Picture This (night of 2/21/2010)

Try to imagine yourself at 26 years old; working, partying, traveling (etc.) long story short- (be prepared you will be eventually getting the whole story- can't say I didn't warn you)... And on a semi-predictable night with your current project (a.k.a. friend in need of guidance); only something's not right.  There's a echo you are currently trying to ignore telling you that you should have stayed home.  You take your second baby hit (insert assumption about a 'hit of what' here) decide that getting wasted is not on the agenda and decide to pass, now you're trying to figure out if you wanna go home or... when you get a pinpoint blast of INTENSE pain and instantly hear your most courageous self murmur "FUUUUUUUCK! Should have listened to that gut feeling, this shit's not right."  Your last man on defense, your ace in the hole is now panicking.  The Macguyver part of your psyche has been beaten.  But with no health insurance, a highly ranked PO for a father, a relationship still mending with your mother, and having just started back to school again you instinctively know that from this moment nothing will ever be the same....
Fearing high hospital bills you wait to go to the hospital trying to tell yourself that this is nothing serious.  You've had migraines since you were seven and while you know that's not what this is you justify the cavalier facade because you are no stranger to excruciating head pains.  You now notice (belatedly) that you've been in pain for about a half hour and are now DRIPPING sweat as though you went running through the Sahara for your life while being 50 lbs overweight.  But you're not, you are sitting in a climate controlled environment trying to convince yourself that you are fine, head hurting so bad it's bringing tears to your eyes and you are now drenched in your own unearned sweat.
As the hours go by you loose all sense of your left side without realizing it.  Attempting to cap a water bottle while holding the cap in one hand and bottle in the other proves to be life's greatest mystery; you know that they go together that it SHOULD be a no brainer but you are now just sitting staring at the objects in each hand.  In the time you were trying to figure out how to cap the bottle you lost the knowledge of what you were trying to do and why, now you sit staring at the cap and bottle and are not quite sure why you can't remember what they are, what they do, and how to get rid of them.  You look up to explain your quandary only to find that you have to comically over enunciate ev-er-y-th-in-g in order to make somewhat recognizable  sounds or grumlings.  The cap has now falllen out of your left hand but you can't feel it, see it or process that there is anything there. You know that you should get up and try to shake off whatever 'this' is but now standing is life's ultimate wonder.  However did you do that before? Now it hits, this is serious you need help.
Thinking you may just be lucky enough to sleep it better I took a nap and when I (miraculously-according to medical professionals) woke up attempted to stand up and fell face first "TIMMMBEERRR"epic fall and crack the upper right side of my head on the corner of the coffee table.  At this point my friends weren't fucking around listening to me anymore, they carried me to the car, held me up when the put me in and buckled me up.  Not conscious by the time we go.....
I got to the hospital to find that I had been suffering a stroke for the past eight to nine hours, and now could possibly die from it.  It took two days for me to stabilize enough for brain surgery in which they drained 200ml of blood and repaired surface damage to my brain, not being able to get to the ruptured blood vessel (it was so far in,attempting to stop it would've caused more damage than leaving it active).
 A malformed blood vessel in the right hemisphere of my brain had burst and in a blink of an eye I had become a 26 year old stroke survivor.  It turns out that I had always had a weak blood vessel in my brain that we never knew about and after a lifetime of 'poking the bear', it bit back.  While there was not enough toxin in my system to have realistically caused the stroke it definitely did not help, and now my life and myself have been irrevocably changed and this is my journey....

timeline...

I have played with the posting order of this blog and this is how it reads now:
It starts at the beginning of this newest chapter in my story; the stroke(my catalyst for starting a blog), after that it goes chronologically from the night of my stroke to today; don't pay attention to the post dates, I have to date each new entry prior to the one before it so everything will read accordingly and hopefully make more sense.

October 23rd 2010

I'm glad that after 8+ months I still find it "funny-haha" that my left hand more often than not reminds me of that damn claw machine that NEVER grabs the prize you were aiming for.  At least I don't have to pay $1 each time I try to use it! Occupational therapy would suck and I would be seriously BROKE.  I think that Natalie Portmans character, Sam in 'Garden State' said it best with:
"...what do you do? You laugh. I'm not saying I don't cry but in between I laugh and I realize how silly it is to take anything too seriously. Plus, I look forward to a good cry. It feels pretty good."

October 19th 2010

I feel different. It's like I'm six again and everything is detrimental; all those coping mechanisms you develop over the years (from unfair shit you justified as 'learning experiences') get washed away like blue prints on a fucking Etch-A-Sketch.  Bullshit.  I thought I was finally starting to implement a few of those (heehee).
On the bright side though I am learning some pretty important new lessons.  And I didn't loose ALL the old ones... Just a few of the whoppers! Some that could prove vital for some of the people that mean the most to me.  Well, more succinctly my dealings with them.  Bittersweet but considerable book material.
I wish I wasn't soo damned needy though.  I try to squash the feelings of loneliness and concentrate on the positives of more contemplative time but it doesn't quite stick... not yet anyway.

Robin Thicke - Can You Believe (Stripped)

November 5th 2010

People write me off as emotional, hormonal or brain damaged; which I am. No argument but I am not merely being sentimental....
One of the paramount lessons I have learned since February is that it is VITAL that those who have a place in your heart know it, and know exactly what their role is.  People generally cooperate but you have to let them see your script.

3/7 starting from now...

Been a while since I last attempted this, apparently I'm ready to open the flood gates. It's officially been over a year since my stroke and things are definitely... bittersweet.  My hair is electric red (probably not the best choice), I walk with a cane am about and am about 4 sizes over what I'd like to be.  Not quite what I envisioned for the 2nd half of my 27th year.

What can you do though?  Make the best of it and love the life you have.  That's all.  Anything else is counterproductive.  Obviously channeling Pollyanna right now, oh well lets just go with this shall we?  I'm at least FINALLY slowly albeit, but finally headed in the right direction.  I allow for small or minor detours because the detours are where the more profound lessons lie.

On the personal front I find myself having to firmly decide to be accepting and appreciative of the 'new' facets of myself that I am discovering.  I was not ever this trepidations.  That's not entirely correct, I just did not let it hinder me before.  I do need to get that back; that "scared?...do it scared" mentality that dominated my psyche before.  I know I've still got it somewhere in me, I've just got to find it again... the race is on!  

long road...

On my good days I channel Pollyanna utterly grateful for my world and everyone/part in/of it.  I take this stroke, my brain damage, the physical handicaps as learning lessons and great blessings that I can work to try to earn as much of my life, myself as possible.  I do honestly see things that way, feel that way but on days like today the gratefulness wars with weariness...

There is an amazingly humbling amount of people wanting to help, encourage and watch my journey cause it inspires and as grateful as I am for all the love and support I am still utterly alone in this.  No one knows what it's like to constantly try to hide or make light of all my shortcomings, handicaps or challenges.  You see that I found my words again but you have no idea the difficulty I have using them correctly, effectively and processing the words you throw at me.  You see that I can still perform elementary math (most times) but have no idea that unless you tell me what function to perform I might as well have never seen a number before.  I did not lose knowledge I just lost my problem solving, information processing and abstract thinking tools.  It's like having all your money in a CD or IRA that you may NEVER be able to access.

I know that I don't have it in me to give up but it's terrifying to know that 80% of what I get back is a direct result of my work, dedication, and will to recover but the remaining 20 is up to nature, God, fate, the universe... not me. So as a defense mechanism I try to put on a 'recovered' face show only the strengths and none of the weaknesses (as much as possible) but it's bittersweet while people are less inclined to talk to me like a Make-A-Wish case that drools and has no real communication skills they also tend to expect more than I can deliver. My fault utterly and completely but for me it's a matter of pride and choosing the lesser of two evils.  It just makes for a terrifyingly long solo journey. No one else can get me better, no one else can find my shortcomings and ways to heal them, no one else knows how it feels to have completely lost yourself, your identity to this event.

I used to bemoan the fact that I was always "just Chis" but now what I would give to be just plain old, one of the guys Chis again.  I'm now either that young girl who had a stroke- poor thing, or I'm Chisa-did you know she had a stroke, or I'm the handicapped girl that's too much work to take out or take places.  I get it and I am grateful for those who are still around, still enjoy my company but is this really all I am now???

Recovering takes up all my days and most of my mental and emotional energy but I am so fucking tired of being defined by this my life, the way people see me but most importantly how I see myself is completely immersed in this.  And I am not even the same person on a base level, due to the location of my ruptured brain vessel the left hemisphere of my brain is now primary and overcompensating for my damaged right hemisphere... But being a right brained thinker for 26 years it's now as if I have stepped through the looking glass and turned around to view the room I was just in to find everything mirror-imaged, reversed.  It's not my vision that has been mirror imaged but my perspective I see and react to EVERYTHING differently than I would have before the stroke and even more trippy I know it, recognize it but don't know which reaction to trust... The current gut reactions, opinions and feelings or how I know I WOULD HAVE felt, done or thought as my pre-stroke self.  I guess ultimately I should be striving to reconcile and mesh the two halves to form a more complete version of myself.  I just hope that I have the stamina for it and that my loved ones, my support system have not all been drained soo much that I really do end up alone.

4/7/2008

it's absolutely infuriating to have members of your 'support system' breathing down your neck and disapointed in you cause "you're not better yet?", they're tired and have their own shit and I am an adult that should not have to be their responsibility but when I push myself too far too fast and hurt myself why are the FIRST people telling me not to rush, to take shit a day at a time the ones fucking tired of my situation?!? I didn't fucking ask you to be here, actually tried to distance myself from EVERYONE for this exact reason but what because you wanted to feel like a hero, wanted your praises sung you signed up.  YOU said you needed to be here that you weren't going anywhere no matter what, well I still give 110% ALL I HAVE to my recovery EVERYDAY so you tell me when the mysterious expiration date on your love, your patience, you high opinion of me was set for cause I'm confused.  I don't know if it was guilt 'cause you know beyond a shadow of a doubt I would do the same, no MORE everything I could for you if the situation was reversed (ooh ohhh and I HAVE) whatever the reason I am grateful but please stop looking down on me.  I may be brain damaged but I know patronizing, condescending, impatience and back stabbing still.  I am NOT that mentally challenged. I am doing my best I see that it's not enough for you but at this point there is NO WHERE for me to go, I have to ride this out and work through it, you're the dumb ass that insisted you be a part of this journey so I'm sorry you didn't think it through but what would you like me to do about it???

I can't rush this, I can't force my body, my brain to heal on my or your time-line if that was possible it'd be done by now.   I look at myself everyday and fight the vision of me as a failure a burden a blip on the radar of those who love me but I can't ignore the very reflection of that in your eyes when you look at me; ignore the tone in your voice when you 'talk' to me. I have been half a step away from 'resetting' this lifetime since the beginning and getting the feeling that I'm a burden or an unwelcome obligation does nothing to help squelch the urge.  Apparently I'm too contrary to give in, to give up but I sure let you make me feel like that would be the gracious thing of me... to just bow out gracefully and not bother anyone anymore.

4/10/2011

No matter how much i KNOW really know that we will not ever get more than we can handle it doesn't take away from the gratitude I have (yet can never fully express) once I get a little slack or when any of the weight is lifted.

But when so SOOOOOOO much of it is instantaneously removed homage MUST be paid; done happily and dutifully... thank you.

3 Doors Down - Let Me Be Myself

sitting at robins

even though new options may not come to fruition right now just knowing I have another option now essentially levels the playing field... my spirit is so much more at rest, maybe I'll finally be able to get some sleep. One can only hope...

Baby Steps...

I remember being in the hospital and completely unaware that I had a non-functioning left side.  Nurses would ask constantly "where's you left hand?" and without fail I would answer with the location of my right, feeling like normal as though the only thing wrong was that my brain seemed to be a bit mushy
(like trying to navigate through a dense, murky fog).  Instead of the 'phantom limb' phenomenon that often plagues amputees  my subconcious defense mechanism was to block out the entire effected side making me think, feel and believe (until reminded) that my functioning right half was a complete body. 

Once I got to acute rehab and in a wheelchair and days full of occupational, speech and physical therapy (think of it as a recovery boot-camp) I often forgot my left hand and with no sensation did not even realize it was there until it knocked over something, got trapped under me or stuck and crunched in the spokes of my wheelchair.  My therapists went as far as to equip me with a lap tray attached to my wheelchair and tape a rolled up towel to the top of it that I was to rest my endangered limb on to help.  Sadly enough while attempting to navigate or think of something other than my new task of maintaining eye contact with poor lefty I would often hear shouts in passing "where's your hand Chis?", "I can't see lefty so I KNOW you can't"; or just have a perceptive passerby pick up my arm themselves and take it out of harms way.  Thank you.

Now a little over a year into my recovery I still sporadically need the use of my wheelchair and while I no longer need the lap tray or forget about my still struggling appendages I attempted to man my wheelchair using both my hands instead of propelling with my right hand and steering with my right foot; not ready for that AT ALL. lol, While I have some sensation back in my left side it is no where near 100% and without staring at my hand to make sure each grab and push was executed  safely it is still more likely that I'll just get my hand crunched in the spokes of my damned wheelchair. True story. Last week I went to Trader Joe's with my mom and due to an uncooperative knee needed to use my wheelchair for the expedition. And this was when I decided to see if I could work my left hand and arm while my lower half was sulking and the only difference between then and now is that when my hand gets stuck in my wheelchair I now feel the damage I am unconsciously causing. It was hilarious, hand caught, wheelchair not moving because of the stuck digits and me hysterically laughing while simultaneously howling in pain; and my 4'10" Filipino mother scrambling trying to help while also valiantly attempting yet beautifully failing at trying not to laugh.  Needless to say we put on quite a show and I maintain my belief that, that alone was the reason why the staff and customers alike were soo friendly and proactive in assisting us during that particular excursion.

Now I could let myself get discouraged because after a year I still cannot do something as simple as utilize a wheelchair the way it's traditionally designed to be used but that's exhausting and counter productive, so instead I embrace the laughter, appreciate the hilarity of the moment of discovery and recognize the baby steps I am still making.

Bad Day

Here I am about to be 28 needing to move out because the obligations that come with having me here have become too much for the friend first in line to help out.  I now am blessed to have two sets of friends willing to let me move in one offers as long as I need (but I know there will be an eventual expiration date) and the others aren't looking to stay where they are through the upcoming winter... the biggest consideration I need to contemplate is being solely dependent on one couple or being dependent on another while still having my mom 20 minutes away for another few months, either way I'm dependent on EVERYONE else, they can still get, and understandably so, tired of meeting my needs.
I was compulsively independent for 26 years and now.... now I am humbled, blessed, grateful and... done. I'm fuckin done being the white elephant in the room everyone avoids talking about I cannot will not do this, alienate anymore loved ones.  Being a young stroke survivor, telling my story, SURVIVING is not fucking worth it if at the end of EVERY SINGLE DAY at my heart of hearts I have to feel worthless, indebted, like a plague or unnecessary expense.  What's the use? Who benefits? NO ONE. The number of those concerned loved ones will continue to dwindle,  so who am I suffering for? Why post pone the inevitable?  Why did I get through that? So I can die alone having exasperated the patience, stores of love and sheer energy of everyone I hold dear? You can say all you want that anyone worth having in my life won't mind, but at the end of the day everyone has a limit. Obligations get old it's human nature... it's inevitable. Lots of things are.

Sex Number...

I know I'm crazy, I mean you can't not know... it's like "not knowing your own fuck number", you can't be a grown up and not be aware of certain seemingly ingrained personality quirks.

That being said, just because I'm aware of it DOES NOT (no matter how much I wish it); DOES NOT mean I'll be able to rectify or even abate such things instantaneously, or to be fair, even gradually it seems in some cases...

TO BE CONTINUED...

Katt Williams is a genius... (April 22nd continued)

watching the first 'Sex and the City" movie with Geeg... and it never works out like that so at what point do we stop hoping to be' the exception' but accecpt that we are (like soo many more that have gone before us) simply just 'the rule'

Change yourself to change what you want about your life... simple yet sooo hard to implement.

trying my best

It comes in waves; the manic productivity, the Pollyanna- nothing can break my smile and now the crushing loneliness.   I have an amazing set of friends that want to joke me out of this part of the cycle and if we catch it in the beginning it works, but not now not when I'm soo far into it that for the past week it has taken EVERYTHING in me to get up and feed my cat, get myself clean before and after the gym and concentrate on my workout  (the one productive thing that this suffocating fear, despair will let up enough for me to attempt).  They want to help but how do you tell them that being around a bunch of people that want to make it better so much it forces you to fake it just makes it worse?  No one understands this, I don't expect you to but the only thing right now that won't make me feel MORE alone is not surrounding myself with well meaning friends who have their counterparts within arms reach; it is that one man who can hold me and say I don't know if things are gonna be okay, I don't know if you'll gt back to 100% again but I will love you now and to the end no matter if this is as good as you get.  Short of that I pull myself out the only way I know how... sheer determination.

It's been a year I know the cycles, I have tried letting my friends try to help and it took all my strength not to hit the 'reset' button on this lifetime so I know that I have to let myself feel this ride most of it out so I'm actually dealing with the good and bad of this seemingly never ending experience but I also know when to grit my teeth and RIP myself out of it, painful as it always is.   But it's been a week, a week in which 3 clean loads of laundry occupy the empty 2/3 of my bed that he won't.  A week that I have panted my way through daily grueling workouts trying to punish myself more than the loneliness more than my heartache does so maybe I can feel something else at the forefront of the pack.  A week that my cat has not left my side because she knows somethings up, a week that the only time- literally the only time I can get out of bed is to punish myself at the gym then when I get home after my shower I get directly the fuck back in bed next to my clean laundry that I can't seem to muster the energy up to put away.

The funny fuckin thing... I'm not feeling sorry for myself, I don't begrudge this chapter even now while I try to find a way out of the belly of the beast, I'm just tired, so fuckin tired of every single thing being too exhausting, so draining. I know I will pull out of this, I know I have to pull myself out of it, I know that I will but this is me; right now trying my best from the belly of the beast, the pit of despair suffocating from loneliness attempting to refill my stores of energy, patience, resilience, and optimism so the cycle can start over again...

new focus

I've been working my left leg like a psychotic drill Sgt attempting to be able to permanently park the wheelchair, ditch the brace, burn the expensively hideous handi-cap moon shoes (stabilizing shoes four sizes too large to accommodate said brace complete with Velcro straps) and give my aunty my cane.  I have realized that in focusing so completely on my leg I have let my left hand fend for itself so it still very much so resembles the claw machine.  I am not even comfortable petting my cat with the impaired hand cause I can't feel her or feel how hard I'm actually petting her... not a good combination.


I want to be able to pick up my niece again, carry things reliably with both my hands and most importantly give a PROPER hand job again, not the lazy might as well be giving head, one handed half assed hand job; the kind that men actually appreciate.  Not that there's an immediate demand for that particular skill but I liked having that under my belt, in my arsenal... I take pride in my work, lol.

how do i?

How do i know i will continue to get better? How do i know that i won't alienate the support system i have left? how do i continue to be this woman,this shell of my former self? How do i merge who i was, who i am and who i want to be? How do i get my emotions under control? How do i keep my head held high when i look, move and sound LIKE THIS? How do i continue to build self-confidence when there's sooo fuckin little to be confident about? How do i continue to give you me heart when i'm so unsure of where i fit in yours? How do i trust that you love me this much when you are so far out of my league? How do i know you miss me when you are never here? How do i keep away when you have my whole heart in your strong hands? How do i give you what you want or need when this is all that i am? How do i even begin to reach for your heart when i know you can do so much better than me? How do i continue to work through or try to ignore the suffocating loneliness? How do i continue? How do i continue this terrifying, exhausting journey alone? How do i continue? How do i continue to pick myself up during every down spiral and claw my way back to positivity? How do i continue?  How do i continue and pretend that i know it will get better? How do i continue? How do i continue to trust in His plan? How do i continue? How do i continue to believe that this time i really haven't been given more than i can handle, that He hasn't overestimated me? How do i continue? How????

boundaries

Since the stroke I have HAD to curb my 'captain save a ho' tendencies and focus all of that positivity and resourcefulness on myself ; something I almost never did before.  It's now drilled home that no one else can get better for me, and no one else knows exactly what I'm going through so myself and my rehabilitation HAVE TO come first.

With that also comes another first... boundaries, I have to make them clear or I am the only one suffering. They are everywhere and I can no longer afford to ignore them, not to mention I no longer have the inclination or patience to curb them.  I mean from my space bubble to my feelings and over to my needs.  It boils down to safety for me... everything is on an extremely delicate balance.  Things I need really need are the only things I ask from others and that need stems from either a emotional, mental, or physical safety issue so when I get ignored, forgotten or judged upon those needs I no longer retreat back into myself unwilling to inconvenience anyon,e I have to now tactfully assert myself (no easy feat since I no longer have a damn filter either).  This was all very uncomfortable for a long time and still is (in my more sensitive moments) but if I have to then I REALLY have to now and I must say that I'm becoming very proud of that.  I'll no longer be a doormat to feel loved and appreciated, I still am.  And now that I really have to ask for help (as hard as it is) I am no longer too proud to do so. 

I'll admit that I still wait as long as possible to ask for said assistance more often than not compounding the problem(s) attempting to figure out a way to get it done solo but I can now admit when help is vital and proactively seek it... damn 'growing pains'.

blessed the broken road,,,

I'm listening to Rascal Flatts "Bless the Broken Road" on repeat- thank you youtube and it's occurred to me that this is what I'm praying for.  People that hear my story, see my progress or that know snippets see me as resilient, strong or even amazing but on paper I am brain damaged, physically and mentally handicapped and now fall into an economic bracket that depend on free medi-cal, food stamps and cash-aid so I am by all accounts a drain on society one of those I used to judge and abhor... But now it seems that things with him and I are on a better track more honest and truly tested having (so far) come through the other side;  but is it too much for me to hope that my broken road has been blessed and finally brought me to the one man that I couldn't run from no matter how terrified loving him made me?

Am I THAT lucky not only to survive an event that 98% of people would not have; but also have him? Can he see me as even stronger and more resilient than we thought before or will I be a drain on him like I have become on society and my current housemates?

Miley Cyrus - When I Look At You

life has no pause button...

It's another hard day, one that started out hopeful enough I woke up struggled to make the decision I have to every day; to be happy, to be grateful and fight.  I went through my exercises, played my brain games then get hit with IRS owing from 2003, an expired extension and battles with medi-cal.  I go through the motions, communicating my current situation and my difficulties and form plans of action- all of which involve me depending on others for transportation, form help for my damaged brain and being treated like a lower life form.

I already feel worthless, going through each day fighting to get better and stay positive enough not to end this journey so I  can tell my story and hopefully one day have someone stumble upon this blog and by reading my heart and thoughts feel less alone. I arrogantly assumed that getting better was to be the hardest part for me , but I forgot that life has no fucking pause button.  The universe does not wait for you to catch up, things still pile on and the past is still waiting for resolution. I am completely overwhelmed and overburdening my innocent loved ones... but for how much longer? My stamina is rapidly fraying, I feel hollowed out, completely depleted and yet still expected to, still attempting to pull my weight, somehow reciprocate what  I can to those who continue to stand by me and try not to expect anything in return.

But I am the only one on my journey, I am the only on that can make me better, I hold the key to my happiness I have the tools I just have to find then again but when does enough get to be enough?  How much punishment does on endure before things start to look up?  How many obstacles must I scale before the tide starts to turn and I can clear away some of the worries to do what I need to in order to fully recover? Will I ever fully recover? If I am destined to remain lonely in the midst of dozens of distracted, half-assed, well meaning, patience expiring loved ones I might as well quit while I still have that.  Too bad I've never been a fucking quitter and I don't fucking have it in me to disappoint the ones who have rallied for me, I'm stubborn enough to suffer this and try to prove the nay-sayers wrong.  I just don't know if what I have left will ultimately be enough.

I've had 26 years of life prior to this, filled with sexual abuse, mental abuse, abandonment, struggling to remain independent, working for everything I have done and acquired, becoming the best in challenging jobs, rising up in the face of adversity, heartbreak and enough mistakes for three people... They say the what doesn't kill you makes you stronger, I don't feel stronger right now I feel tired, old, vulnerable, damaged and fragile.

5/30 4:14pm...

Just got home from the bay fed Joy, cleaned her litter box, stripped down and grabbed my computer so I could get this down while it's fresh...

One thing my most recent speech therapist/ friend Marty said to me really hit home yesterday.   I was talking, emotionally purging, and having much needed time with Shmo when I found myself outlining my cognitive difficulties for her.  To me they seem obvious; when you suffer a trauma the world including yourself looks different to you, TO YOU... the rest of the world will not see the scenery the way you do, but they may not even notice certain differences in you.  Marty told me that my greatest strength will be my Achilles heel; my ability to compensate- or more succinctly- my need to camouflage my deficiencies will not only allow for better communication and an accelerated recovery but also distract from areas that still need attention... counter productive character trait at best.  But it suddenly dawned on me that Shmo has known, really known me for majority of my life and this applies even to her (dramatically less than with most people but still applicable) and it amazed me.

shit or get off the pot... 6/2/2011

I went all in and he folded... figures.  I can't even call him a dick or find fault; I had to go for it and he just doesn't feel the same way.  I'm not the one for him, not enough to risk a relationship, hurt feelings or bruised pride.  Serves me right I guess for hoping that my best friend would miraculously be the love of my life.  I wonder how long it'll take me to get my heart back? How much longer will I be in love with a man who no doubt loves me but is not IN love with me?  And why fight me leaving all those times if ultimately you weren't gonna choose me? I don't want to believe it was a game, the thrill of the chase but if it was you won, you got me and at my most vulnerable I stupidly gave you the power to throw me away.  When it fully hits and I'm in the darkest hour of my mourning this lost dream I'll no doubt wonder if it's because I'm impaired now but in my heart of hearts I know it's not; without the walls I had spent 26 years subconsciously building I simply could no longer hold back my feelings, my love and my wants/needs.  So for the first time instead of just enjoying him, taking the easy chicken shit- no acknowledgment of my actual feelings way out- I stepped up tortured us both and put it all out there.  At least I know now that I can, get rejected, and still know that I have to go on, get better, that life goes on and I've faced worse.

6/2/2011

On Monday I went in for a psych eval ordered by social security and long term disability to help them determine my eligibility.  The psychiatrist asked me curt yes or no questions that I feel were somewhat unfair then ran me through a gamut of  cognitive tests remarkably similar to the ones from the hospital and rehab, I expected to breeze through them when we started assuming it had been over a year and I should have made tons of gains... not even. It was humbling and terrifying and I left feeling embarrassed, dejected, and emotionally/mentally bruised. FUCK!!!!!!! I'm trying not to spiral but I feel I'm losing the war fast.

life has no pause button...

It's another hard day, one that started out hopeful enough I woke up struggled to make the decision I have to every day; to be happy, to be grateful and fight.  I went through my exercises, played my brain games then get hit with IRS owing from 2003, an expired extension and battles with medi-cal.  I go through the motions, communicating my current situation and my difficulties and form plans of action- all of which involve me depending on others for transportation, form help for my damaged brain and being treated like a lower life form.

I already feel worthless, going through each day fighting to get better and stay positive enough not to end this journey so I  can tell my story and hopefully one day have someone stumble upon this blog and by reading my heart and thoughts feel less alone. I arrogantly assumed that getting better was to be the hardest part for me , but I forgot that life has no fucking pause button.  The universe does not wait for you to catch up, things still pile on and the past is still waiting for resolution. I am completely overwhelmed and overburdening my innocent loved ones... but for how much longer? My stamina is rapidly fraying, I feel hollowed out, completely depleted and yet still expected to, still attempting to pull my weight, somehow reciprocate what  I can to those who continue to stand by me and try not to expect anything in return.

But I am the only one on my journey, I am the only on that can make me better, I hold the key to my happiness I have the tools I just have to find then again but when does enough get to be enough?  How much punishment does on endure before things start to look up?  How many obstacles must I scale before the tide starts to turn and I can clear away some of the worries to do what I need to in order to fully recover? Will I ever fully recover? If I am destined to remain lonely in the midst of dozens of distracted, half-assed, well meaning, patience expiring loved ones I might as well quit while I still have that.  Too bad I've never been a fucking quitter and I don't fucking have it in me to disappoint the ones who have rallied for me, I'm stubborn enough to suffer this and try to prove the nay-sayers wrong.  I just don't know if what I have left will ultimately be enough.

I've had 26 years of life prior to this, filled with " what doesn't kill you makes you stronger", well, I don't feel stronger right now I feel tired, old, vulnerable, damaged and fragile.

thankful...

 thank you for finally giving me the answers I needed to hear and lettin' me go. I promise to try not to begrudge you the pain for too long.  Thank you to the rest for the support and objective compassion offered.  I am honestly blessed.

ugh

Okay so I am still having a hard time coping with the way my cognitive tests from my psych eval went, I KNOW I'm not stupid but how do I find my tools again?  How do I explain my difficulties when I have no check list of what to look for?  A good friend of mine was over the other day and started a conversation with my housemate about me and how they both feel that I short change myself and could go back to work and be successful.  That immediately put my back up because they were (with the best intentions) trying to disprove or minimize my cognitive short comings and made me feel as though I was trying to make excuses to remain stagnant.  I have always worked I've paid my own way since I was 15 and got soo overly defensive because they wouldn't drop it.  My goal is to make something of myself.  I want to return to work and school once I have the tools to be successful, sure I found my words again but I can not yet multiply or divide, let alone anything more complex.  I have yet to find my problem solving, abstract thinking or coping mechanisms... and those are just the deficiencies I am aware of.  I have debilitating anxiety and when I get overwhelmed my brain just stops, short circuits and I freeze until I have a meltdown then there's no recovering the day.  I can't even work fast food competently with that on my head.  But why do I have to explain that to everyone with a fucking opinion? What business is it of yours? How the fuck does it affect your day? It doesn't.  But it kills me every time I have to do it.  Does being a young stroke survivor mean that I now have to be bare and vulnerable for everyone who  means well? Life was damned difficult before the stroke but it does not, cannot wait; you just keep getting more to pile on, more to juggle and well, I am running out of hands.  I will not stop working until I am a better version of the person I was on February 20th, 2010... the night before my stroke.  But at times it seems like too lofty of a goal, am I really as worthless as I feel right now? I have to believe that I am not and that this will pass.

cocooned in change....

For the first time ever when someone asks if "karma's a bitch" my first and therefore most honest inclination is to fire back "I don't know... is it?".  So now I find myself wondering which (persistence or genuine 'cut bait and run') path would be most beneficial to go with and, do I really have the strength to charge ahead in either direction.

I can now say that because all my walls and/or defense mechanisms have been tucked away that yes I do.  Stagnancy or good enough is no longer an option I am willing to consider.  Thank you Lord.  Thank you to the universe.  Thank you nature.  Thank you loved ones.  Thank you to my support system.

White picket fences...

Ever since I can remember I have never wanted the his and hers towels, 2.5 kids, or the white picket fence dream like so many of my peers.  I figured I'd have a boyfriend or significant other til the end of my days but to make a vow? Nah.  Why tether yourself to someone and not again ever know for sure whether they are still around because they want to be, or because he made a wow?  If you'd rather be gone, then go, I'm sure we'd both be better off and happier in the end.  Now I'm not so sure... I have gained a different perspective then that scarred 19 year old. 

I find myself wanting to find my mate; the one that's proud to claim me, proud to have me on his arm, and fall asleep with me, waking to my smile.  But I don't want just anyone, just some company, if that was the case I'd not have subconsciously run for so long.  I want MY mate, the partner meant for me to build a life with.  Mind you, I'm nowhere near being ready for just that but I now know that my wants, ultimate desires are either different or no longer hiding. 

Though I stand firm on the white picket fence, I think I mat have to get a black iron one just to be contrary.

trying something new...

Just treated myself to a grueling, later than ever p.m. workout.  I am hoping that this will help me sleep while I have no sleep-aid rx refills.  I have tried LITERALLY everything else I can think of so I'm praying that this does the trick.  I have also been socially hibernating for the past few days and before the overnighter in Reno was a week or so before that as well; I'm still feeling mentally and emotionally beat up, but more bothersome is that I feel vulnerable- and if you know me you know just how unbearable that is for me.  So I am giving myself much needed time and space to come to grips and not only choose to be happy (I do that EVERY TIME I wake up) but to actually feel it, have it sink in, and believe my choice.  Bear with me, it always takes some adjustment time when you're trying something new.

realization

My goal used to be to get back to 100%, to the person I was before February 21st 2010... Now I'm realizing that's not possible. I'm not stopping til my last breath or until I am BETTER than I was mind, body and soul.

hind sight 20/20...

I guess the one thing I'd have liked to have kept in mind is that if I have to ask, the answers already no.  Straightforward and perfectly succinct; if he wanted what I was asking him about we would have already been there.  He's known that was an option... But ultimately it's still better to no longer have a loophole; no way to make an excuse.  For that I have to be grateful, I wonder how long it'll take to get over him.

Sara Bareilles - Gonna Get Over You

more 'firsts'...

I can do female push-ups (on my knees) again, shuffle a full deck of cards using both hands, the splits and a ponytail for my niece.  Today at the gym I overcame my anxiety of learning the new weight training machines with people watching and finally tackled them before my cardio.  Good to know I still have milestones and I haven't plateaued.  They almost mean more now because they are harder to earn, come few and far between.

where is that girl?

Sometimes I wish I was still that girl who didn't need anyone, the one who made her own way and you were lucky if you knew what she had planned or where she was off to next.  I was that girl who didn't "believe anything she heard and only half of what she saw", cynical, stubbornly independent and terrified of actual emotional attachment.  I enjoyed you while in your immediate vicinity but could and often did leave at a moments notice with no pangs of loss or backwards glances.  I'm older now, but more importantly this stroke has MADE me, forced me to slow down.  I now need support, assistance; with all my emotional boundaries and defense mechanisms erased I'm too trusting, emotionally starved and have no walls in place.  I am the anti-pre stroke Chisa... where is that girl?  I still don't want a man to hang my hopes, contentment, and half my existence on; I want my man.  Funny that even though he was never mine that's how I have grown to think of him, as my man.

The Weepies - World Spins Madly On [Official Music Video]

new reality..

I always thought that I was meant for greatness that I would make a difference in the world once I reached my full potential and stopped fucking around... now it seems as though my remarkable feat is to get through each damn day.  To not let this new reality break me.  To not let being completely alone for the first time beat me.  To not let the weight of terror crush me.  My progress has slowed but I'm not going to give up.  I am lonely and terrified but I am going to use that as catalyst to keep improving.  All the negatives that threaten to tar me apart in my weakest moments are being harnessed and used as motivation to beat this.  Fuck all of you that think I need a kick in the ass, screw all of you who assume I've gotten lax, bite me if you truly believe that I have lost my fire, my fight.  Guess what... I do all I can every day.  If that means getting up to take care of my cat then pulling the covers back over my head so I'm not soo tempted to slit my wrists or take all my sleep meds then that's all I have in me.  If it's cleaning the living room, or doing some laundry, or taking a walk around my block then that's all I have in me.  If you rely on what you know of me you'd trust that I'm a fighter and have not ever been lazy or dependent on others to do for me, the thought of that has always turned my stomach... so guess what??? When the stakes are higher than ever I don't have it in me to skirt the challenge I simply realize that all the other shit before was like battle training for this.  And once I get past this I will use the strength gained here for my next challenge.  You cannot take that away from me.  You do not see what I go through moment to moment, don't know how challenging and taxing EVERYTHING still is on my brain and body, you won't know cause it's not in me to incessantly whine or show just how vulnerable and damaged I am (maybe it's too much pride) but whatever the case just please learn to trust the me you knew before.  Stop saying that you think I need a 'kick in the ass', I don't.  I'm the only one challenged and embarrassed and overstimulated by EVERYTHING all the damn time.  I live this, not you. Take your assumptions and choke on them.  Each time you tell me you think I need more motivation or for people to be more strict on me it makes my blood boil.  What more motivation can someone else give me?  How much harder can someone else kick me in the ass??  I'm the one who has difficulty with EVERYTHING, I'm the one living this with no escape hatch or pause button, so you tell me since you think you know it all what can anyone else not going through this do to motivate me more??? Bottom line, my motivation lies in me, in my life things won't get better, my quality of life will not improve until I do.  No one knows this more than me.  So just remember that no one is more motivated to push past this completely than I am, no one is more alarmed by my stagnating progress than I am, and NO ONE will ever push me harder than I do myself because where I am now, the current state of things is not more bothersome or worrisome to anyone than it is to me.

grateful...

I've been trying to be grateful that on the heels of the ending of one dream with the man I've been in love with; that there was another one interested.  I knew that nothing was going to come of it because my heart is still his but also because this 'new' guy has never been an option.  Known him for years and have not ever looked at him like that cause there's no attraction and cause on a base level he, well for lack of a more polite phrase, irritates the hell out of me most times.

We have become friends and I admit that it was kind of comforting to have a man want me when the one I tied my heart to didn't.  I attempted to gently rebuff him, not wanting to be a bitch but I guess he's one of those guys that if it's not a harsh no they think they can talk you into a yes.  But shit has hit the fan, and it automatically turns into I think I'm too good for him.  I hate that.  Just because we have no chemistry doesn't mean I'm stuck up.  Oh well serves me right for basking in his attention, no matter how honest I've been from the start.

It doesn't matter how lonely I am, I am not willing to be with just anyone.  I'm not going to project my feelings from the one who rejected me to the next guy who looks my way.  I don't want a relationship with just anyone, I wanted one with the man who holds my heart.  Anyone that catches my eye will start from square one with me.

dreams...

I'm an active advocate of hope.  I want love, true love, the kind that you can sink into.  I love my life right now; would not trade a day of this current journey, no shit.  Hard I can take, I'm not asking for easy... just not soo hard all the time.  Please let me claw my way back from this with my man there to hold me when I cry, and enjoy the morning with. I don't need to be rescued, don't want a ladder, just some company that's mine cause I'd be his.

circumstance

Circumstance forces me to slow, take it all down a notch or so... Such a blessing. Instead of flitting from one moment to the next attempting to pack as much in as possible, I'm gratefully forced to sit back, enjoy and create quality memories rather than a blurry obnoxious montage.  Although if I'm being completely honest I'm still lovably obnoxious more often than not. I'm just a slower moving handful heehee.

I used to bounce almost literally, through life as if it was one long drunken night bar hopping.  Never staying too long in any one place, moment, mood, high; never saying too much or getting too immersed or invested in anything.  But now I am made into as much of a wall flower that my personality will ever allow me to be.  I may have to sit in one place primarily, but I in no way know how to fade into the background.  Of that I am forever proud, and grateful to have gained that much back.

Even more than that I am grateful for the change of pace, my quality of interaction, observation and connection to my surroundings and people in my life has increased exponentially.  I no longer have to be everywhere at once and everything to everyone in my immediate vicinity, just me is enough.  At the most basic level when we go out now I tend to stay where parked and cause a bonafide Chis disturbance ;) in my little splice of the universe.  It's a great thing.

I NEED to be the answer to this prayer for the man who's mine...

Very true...

"I've found almost everything ever written about love to be true. Shakespeare said "Journeys end in lovers meeting." What an extraordinary thought. Personally, I have not experienced anything remotely close to that, but I am more than willing to believe Shakespeare had. I suppose I think about love more than anyone really should. I am constantly amazed by its sheer power to alter and define our lives. It was Shakespeare who also said "love is blind". Now that is something I know to be true. For some quite inexplicably, love fades; for others love is simply lost. But then of course love can also be found, even if just for the night. And then, there's another kind of love: the cruelest kind. The one that almost kills its victims. Its called unrequited love. Of that I am an expert. Most love stories are about people who fall in love with each other. But what about the rest of us? What about our stories, those of us who fall in love alone? We are the victims of the one sided affair. We are the cursed of the loved ones. We are the unloved ones, the walking wounded..."- The Holiday

Still not okay

I thought that since I haven't had to use my wheelchair in a year I'd be okay using it for long distances  this weekend.  I was wrong.  I detest not having the strength and the stimuli blocking skills to walk around this crowded unfamiliar vaca destination as we indulge in a long weekend.  When we go shopping I have to ride in my chair, when we explore the city I need to ride in my chair and today as we toured the zoo I needed to ride in my chair.  My mother bless her heart is on a mission to push me everywhere, wanting to help but drawing more attention to me than I can handle.  I never used to give a shit about what people thought about me, and I don't really now but I CANNOT handle the incessant stares and the attitude that comes when people are delayed even the slightest bit by someone with mobility issues.  I had a meltdown today and couldn't help my public tears; something I do my damndest not to have occur.  My traveling companions only exacerbated things by wanting to take every trolly, tram or handicap bus we could.  They thought it was cool to take advantage of the perks of having a wheelchair in the group but for every special ride they got, I got five extra minutes of intense scrutiny from people watching or waiting, not to mention the grunts and grumbles of the employees having to set me up.  On the vehicles you never get close enough to really see any animals so the only thing that was distracting me and making the trip bearable was ripped from me when my preferences were not even acknowledged.  I'm not an invalid and do not want to be a burden or obligation so if I must use the damned chair let me do it myself!  I felt on display as a freakshow exhibition but invisible as a human.  What's worse is that due to my worsening gate I no longer have the option of just sucking it up and walking as much as I can, unsure if it's a physical therapy issue, neurological issue, or surgical issue I have been ordered to take it easy on the walking before the problem becomes greater than any treatment.  My leg is literally twisted, turning in from hip to knee, then turning out from knee to ankle causing said ankle to roll; the result: every step feeling like this is the one that is gonna snap my knee.  It's hard not to get discouraged.

phew...

I still have to try desparately (and most times unsuccessfully) to not get discouraged that a year + later I am still so easily overstimulated or emotional, physically and mentally drained. Any kind of socializing takes a massive toll, so I can only do it for a few hours at a time tops without having to decompress for hours or even days.  Riding in a car for around a half hour is akin to how taxed I used to feel after working on an essay or taking a stressful exam, not enough to drain you for the day entirely but definitely noticeable.  And this is just riding along, I can't even imagine driving again yet.

I have to gear myself up for any prolonged interactions paying careful attention to my stores of energy.  I'm twenty fucking eight and now have the social life of a 92 year old shut in because anything more blurs into major meltdown territory and I can't fathom subjecting my already put out loved ones to any more.  One on one mellow time is absolute heaven though, a movie day or low key games just hanging out with one other soul that I am already comfortable with seems to be the perfect balance of social and stimulation boundaries where I'm not alone, possibly lonely and in my own head; but I am also not intrusively barraged on each imaginable level until my control or mask slips and I either ask to prematurely "call it a day" or have what is now coming to be a hideously characteristic flood of tears and  what I've come to liken to a valve pressure release breaking down for 15-20 mins and then regrouping.  Not only what I consider socially un fuckin acceptable but completely embarrassing and unfair to ask my companions to handle EVERYTIME they feel like having me be part of the group.

I don't know how to work on this, start to control it or anything, all I do know is that this is completely uncharted territory for me and exactly the opposite of who I used to (socially) be. Goddamnit.  I can find blessing in this journey or chapter as a whole but am finding difficulty cultivating an appreciation for this particular aspect.  Fuck.

hoping...

Here's to hoping...  that I've finally gotten the correct info in my fight for healthcare, that I get approved for social security and long term disability, that my loved ones are not sick of me yet, that there will be someone who finds solace or comfort from this blog other than myself, that I will one day again be  contributing member of society, that I am still destined to do something great in this life and make a difference in the world, that I  have enough strength and fight left in me to beat this, that I do not tax the resources of my support system, that there will be a man that I'm in love with who is also in love with me, that I find MY mate, that he gives me a damn divorce soon if he doesn't want me, that I find my swag again, that I can remake myself into a good example for my younger siblings, that one day I will not be achingly alone anymore, that I am still being a good friend to mine through this, that he comes home safely, that I can get my heart back asap, that pushing myself to the limit each day helps me to get down to the size I want to be, that my thirties are better than my twenties, that I am on the right path, that I become fully independent again, that my mind heals enough for me to do complex math again, that I can strengthen my vocal chords to at least their pre-stroke state, that with constant use and exercise my left hand will one day function and look normal again, that I'll be able to walk without a limp, that I'll dance again... here's to hoping...

experimenting...

So I've decided to tackle my social endurance issues or deficiencies as I do my physical handicaps... like a sexually frustrated drill sergeant.  I'm going to attempt to power through the over-stimuation and suffocating loneliness I feel when with people.  It's odd that I can be in a group of friends or family that absolutely love or adore me but feel more alone than I do when I sequester myself to my bedroom...  To this point I have been socializing in bite-sized increments and that doesn't seem to be bringing forth any detectable progress, so I'll just push myself as far as I can and deal with the onslaught like I do the physical pain that comes with my balls to the walls recovery style.

I start today... going beach camping with a bunch of friends for four days then straight to the fambams to watch Mya for a week. I'm exhausted just thinking of it.  I take solace in the fact that the beach, any beach is home to me and I am always the most at peace breathing in the salty air, listening to the shore break and sifting sand between my toes.   I'll admit though that even with that comforting reminder in hand I'm on the verge of a panic attack... sounds silly huh? Even I see that it's not rational, but there you are.  Fingers crossed, I'll let you know how this experiment turns out.

I know it will be hard, I'm not expecting a miracle but I am praying (squeezing ass cheeks actually) that I'll be able to maintain control over my emotional and mental state and not make my family and friends regret inviting/ calling on me...

Will Not...

I will not get comfortable with my deficiencies; I asolutetly abhor being told that some of the cognitive problems I now battle are the same of some who haven't had a stroke.  I don't care about how I measure up to others my goal will remain to keep pushing to keep fighting until I am a better version of myself before the fucking stroke. If you've ever truly known me you know I have always been a "balls to the wall" "go big or go home" type of woman... That hasn't changed-thank God.
The only reason I have made so much damned progress is because of that mentality, because I am so hard on myself.  I'm fully aware that at times it makes my new reality hard for me to cope with but getting comfortable with anything less than a 110% recovery would be harder. This is a part of me that I am most grateful to have not misplaced, it is what allows me to be grateful for this journey and all that is coming with it, it is what keeps me hopeful and ultimately stops me from slitting my wrists at my darkest moments.  I just need people to stop trying to beat it out of me with a feather pillow.  I fear that if they succeed then that is when I will have lost myself, this battle and when the stroke will truly have broken me.

SHANICE-YESTERDAY

What I want... bottom line

I've just fully realized that from a committed relationship all I really want is a full weekend every other week. Oh we still need to be monagamous but one full cupcaking weekend every other week is just enough to be a big part of each others life without making them your life.

More work...

I decided to accept an invite to go to Vegas with my friends knowing I had no money. My amazing mother surprised my with some funds before I left and my generous friends were willing to cover me as long as I wanted to go. I am blessed, humbled and blessed. That being said I have recently been weaning myself off of my cane only really using it for three gym now but anticipating a ton of walking I brought it with. My friends were infinitely patient with my slow gate and finding transportation when I was about ready to collapse but I only had one good day/night in me needing to veg out in the hotel room for the remainder of the weekend missing a lot and trying not to dampen the spirits of my friends that were desperately trying to figure out a way for me to rally if it was just about my leg being tired I would have considered letting them rent me a wheelchair, but it was everything. The lights, the smoke, the people, the sounds... Imagine how overstimulated you feel in that environment after a while and multiply it by a hundred I did okay but I still obviously need a lot more work before I  can feel confident that I'm enriching the trip for my loved ones and not just making more work for them.

knowing...

I know so much more about myself now than I ever did before. I thought I knew myself, all there was to discover but I was so off. I now see all the things I never gave myself enough credit for. In knowing how far my deficiencies reach I have a better grasp on all that I took for granted before. But I now see the strengths I've gained that I pretended to have before. I've found that I was wrong and "they" were right; you can never fully know yourself until you completely loose yourself. You have the marker of who you were (now in high definition because you're finally seeing it objectively), the unavoidable heightened awareness of who you are now, and the birds eye view of the dynamo you are becoming as the two merge.

Adele - Set Fire to the Rain Lyrics

between...

I toggle moment to moment between being proud of my progress and frustrated that I still have so far to go. Between wanting to just try to go back to work and wanting to focus on waiting til I'm actually ready and going to be successful at it. Between thinking I'm ready to move on and not wanting to give up hope that I didn't fall alone. Between being elated that I have soo many loved ones wanting to help and disappearing so I'm forced to sink or swim on my own. Between feeling confident and sexy and like a handicapped, fat, eye sore. Between wanting to surround myself with people and retreating into my shell. Between tears and breathlessness. Between manic productivity and draining despair. Between in love with him and hating him for chasing me then ultimately not wanting me. Between graciousness and anger. Between the yearn to prove myself and giving the finger to those who assume I've lost my motivation. Between wanting to teach others through my life and wanting to fade into invisibility. Between wanting to, needing to be loved and wanting to, needing to be forgotten.

for every two steps forward...

... I apparently take three or so great leaps backward. I need to stop trying, stop doing my best, just get it done and grow the fuck up already. I talk a good game and now it's time to mount up.

A few nuggets I've picked up along the way...

...Are, as of recently; stir-ups should not ever come back into style, if you're not sure that they care, they don't. 1993 called, they want their scrunchies back.  Camel toe is not ever acceptable. If vulnerabilities are visible keep it tight and try to put your best foot forward.  Though there is an exception to every rule, you're probably not it.  Your parents were right, staring is not ever okay.  Make sure all in your heart know how deeply they reside and what their respective roles are.  Be clear, most times attempting to spare ones feelings ends up hurting them more.  You'll drive yourself crazy trying to figure out the motives of others, just take 'em at face value.  Can't take yourself too seriously, you'll only get wrinkles.  If you can't laugh at yourself first you're got no right laughing at others.  You'll never know how much you can handle, or how far you can go if you give up. Just because they love you doesn't mean they get a say. If they didn't ask for your opinion, they probably don't want it. Life's too damned short to love halfway or hold back scared. If they don't like you fuck 'em, just one less Christmas card to send. First impressions are mostly bullshit but gut feelings are always best heeded. Trusting your cynical side is not always a negative thing.  It can't always be sunshine and daisies, but you'd better absorb all the joy you can from everything or prepare to grow bitter.  Focusing on the negatives or 'what ifs' is utterly draining and an exercise in pure insanity.

is this me?

It's official; my claim for social security and long term disability have been denied. I know that most of the people currently on those benefits were denied at least three times before being approved, but do I want to continue this battle? Must I parade my inefficiencies until I'm deemed worthy of help? Do I find a minimum wage job that I hopefully won't fail at or have a mental breakdown trying to do? Is this me? Is this really all I am now, not healed enough to really work and pay my own way, but not bad enough to qualify for aid? I can't allow my family to keep paying my bills and my friends to treat me whenever they want to do something with me, so what now? Any job I could even be considered for would not pay enough for me to be financially independent and my brain is not healed enough for me to go back to school so you tell me. Somebody please fucking tell me what I'm to do. My recovery is slowing, my morale weaning and I don't know how much fight I've actually got left in me. Would you take just any job, or would you do your best to be able to continue working on your recovery? Why can't I do both? Because either one takes all that I have in me, I don't have enough for both. Is this really what the culmination of my life so far comes to? Is this me?

i need help.

I'm hanging on by a thread and don't know how to keep pulling myself from the dark, I sometimes think that the most unselfish thing I can do for all that have to help me is just disappear, die so that they can move on and not have to carry the weight of a 28yr old who can't work, pay her bills, get anywhere on her own and has the intellectual proficiency of a second grader with an adults vocabulary. I got denied for soc sec and LTD but am not well enough to even correctly fill out job applications. I feel so alone, like a burden and I don't know how to make myself any better. I feel like I'm spinning my wheels but don't know anything else to try. Hopefully my new doctor will have a fresh perspective and be able to offer some guidance. I just don't understand why I survived something that 90% would not have if I am to just be a drain on those who've chosen to stand by me, it doesn't seem fair to them, or worth the effort and strain...

???

Going to see my new doctor tomorrow and I'm probably going to bombard her with too many things that I want to go over. I was talking to a friend tonight explaining how challenging it is for me to fill out the simplest of forms; I can write here but with a pen and paper or having to answer questions is next to if not (at times) not possible. I attributed it to my heightened anxieties but he pointed out that it may also be in part to information retrieval deficiencies. The thought never occurred to me but makes sense; now I'll ask my doctor how to work on it, if I should in the meantime attempt to work around it and job hunt or if she has a third option. I also need to address my heightened anxiety and insomnia. I need to get a referral for a therapist, I need to have her look at the still faulty sensation in my left side and... It's funny, it seems like a never ending list in my head, weighing on my shoulders but when I try to purge all of it only the tip of the iceberg shows up for the party. I know there's more, I think there's more... I feel more. I feel like I'm a breath away from throwing in the towel at any given point. Like I've stagnated and I no longer know how to push forward and actually get results. It's like I'm butting my head against a brick wall and I don't see a way around it. I was told the other day by a friends mother going through health crises that I give her the strength to keep fighting, that my determination and positivity are what she holds at the forefront of her mind to get her through. I feel like it's undeserved. I will not tell her that and make her see my self doubt; I refuse to show her how to plant those seeds of her own but where is that Pollyanna phase? I need it back, they come fewer and farther between; I'm wondering if my stagnation is a self fulfilled prophecy. I fear it so much that I've focused it into fruition... no fucking way. This WILL NOT beat me. I may not be sun-shiny all the damned time but I am not going to settle for the current state of things. I will continue to get better and my life as a whole will be better in a year from now. This is not where my story ends, it is not. THIS IS NOT WHERE MY STORY ENDS.

Adele - Set Fire to the Rain Lyrics

What if...

Who decided that "settling" when talking about love or relationships almost always comes with negative connotation??? What if it simply means deciding to live your life from that day on, taking your circumstances and running with them.  What if "settling" nods to choosing to be happy with what you've got while still reaching for your goals???

just what I needed

Every prior trip to the bay my focus had been quantity, not necessarily quality. I would try to catch up or 'catch up' with others as well as selfishly hog as much family time as possible. The family I made, the one I chose, this visit I was just soo battered and vulnerable I could not even fathom actually spending time with any other than my family and those intertwined in their weekend. It turned out to be just what I needed. AND I got to visit with a "new" friend and her two adorable children; amazing chick, beautiful family... she turned out to be just what I needed; sincerely hope she gets as much from this as I do.

Nin...

I miss you, I miss being able to calmly and rationally, not to mention effectively get my bottom line across to you. We are so different in the best ways, but have so much love and appreciation for each other that it's a whole in my heart. More than any of the 'hims' could ever effect me. I know you're busy, but I also know that you are hurt, frustrated, betrayed, at your wits end, confused and tired. I know all of this and I fully accept responsibility but please just read further, even over time please read this in it's entirety and try to really believe me when I say that all of my blog is raw, utterly honest and terrifying. But I need my sister back, the one I didn't disappoint and hurt. I know that it's selfish and unfair but I will do whatever you need me to to even see if we can get a semblance of us back. I love you.

Change

I'm gonna stop looking for love and focus everything in me to finding myself.  I am starting to see glimpses of the dynamo I have the potential to become, and am working on how to merge my beloved qualities from pre-stroke Chisa, my current self and the woman I see in my dreams. This is about me getting better, that's all I need to be focused on... Anything else is just unnecessary heartache.

tick, tick...

I went to a doctors appointment with my mom where I found out that I've had family history of strokes (bleeds not clots) on both maternal and paternal sides. Well crap. I now find myself somewhat mourning a child I wasn't ever completely positive I would end up having. I know now that having a child is not in my future, not only because of health risks to me from previous things but more so because I can't see sentencing my child to this same fate. I have always thought I'd adopt if anything, but it's a little disheartening to know that I really will never have a mini me. So if I wasn't his and her towels grow old together material before, I think this pretty much seals the damn deal.

Adele - Set fire to the rain Lyrics

all that I am...

I am not a victim, a fuck-up, a warrior or an inspiration. I am not a liar, paragon of strength, or beacon of hope. I am not the best example of what not to do, nor am I amazing. I am not a cautionary tale, or a model for resiliency. I am not a one dimensional set of characteristics you try to pigeon hold me to. I am what I am, and that's all that I am. I do my best and strive for recovery in every moment; I fight the loneliness, exhaustion, despair and stagnancy all the time. I give as much back as I can, I pay it forward every chance I see and all I want is to no longer be judged. Negative or positive it doesn't matter, I'm all those things and none of them at all. I just want to fly under the radar for a while and not be asked to explain myself to anyone who pretends to care.

enjoy...

When I got discharged from my outpatient therapies I distinctly remember my therapists reiterating that nothing will aid my recovery as much as my life would. "Go out there and remember how to be young again, remember how to enjoy your life, enjoy who you are..." Essentially trying to make me see that running through my exercises and brain games while hiding out wasn't going to do me or my recovery any justice. I have been working hard at doing just that, I do what I can, take care of what I can and make a concentrated effort to enjoy everything and everyone to the fullest. I'm tired though, I'm tired of having to work at enjoying myself. I know that I say this a lot but it's the absolute fucking truth; hard I can handle, I'm used to hard I'm just not sure I have the endurance to handle EVERYTHING being hard and EVERY FUCKING THING being THIS hard. I'm not trying to get through this, I am getting through this... it's just so damn tiring.

so sick...

I'm absolutely sick of loving you, sick of being the one who cares, who understands, who's always fucking there. You either care or you don't, you'll either reciprocate or you won't. You either want a part in my life or you fucking don't. Stop pretending, no more bullshit, just leave me the fuck alone if I'm no longer worth a man sized effort. I'll no longer make or accept excuses, I'm done teaching people to walk all over me and treat me like a back-up, a safety net. Handi-capped or not, over weight or not, I do not actually need you, each day that I leave my house I get reminded that I'm a catch. That I am still worth everything. I'm sick of our same old games it's tired and so am I. Thank you.

Incubus at Raley Field 10/11/11

Absolutely loved the show, they played a lot more of their older stuff than I expected... SCORE!!! But it's so hard to remain positive about everything when I walk away feeling like more of a make-a-fuckin-wish kid than ever lol.

Bush - Comedown (w/yrics)

like myself...

yeah I miss you, yes things are hard and I desperately want to fall back into old habits... But I know what I want, and it's not just a relationship, it's the who with that matters, if not I'd have some bullshit relationship already. If you cared in the way I do, or as much as you think/say you do- the scared wouldn't matter; you'd need whatever time you could get however you could get it, platonicly or not. At this point I'm about ready to throw up the white flag, fine I'm with you casually or monogamously (in my bed)... however I can have you; but if I did, I wouldn't like myself very much anymore. And that's become the sticking point.

running parallel...

ever notice that with certain individuals your close to; that your personal 'current events' while not seeming similar often boil down to the same things?? I have a few close friends who are all facing their own terrifying new beginnings while I am attempting to muddle through mine. I say it's a testament to the love we have for each other that we continually get through and pick ourselves up; not only for ourselves, but for each other. That we offer support for one another from the same stores that have long ago gone dry for each individually. I say this but truly mean it each time... I am blessed.

they all said...

they all said just get it over with, if you're ever really going to get over him you have to take that first step; just be with someone else. Just get over the initial hump and you'll feel better, it'll be the start... so why do I now feel worse than ever?

Feeling bluesey...

Random Chisa fact number 113: I'm overly affectionate... I have determined that my latest bout of the blues is thanks to my self imposed celibacy. I'm now getting back into the dating game but I went from cuddle time
on the regular to none at all and I am lonely. I need affection...

more "firsts"

I have compiled a list of significant "firsts" (things I have accomplished once again since the stroke; activities I've had to work hard to be able to successfully attempt again), well at least the ones that came to mind within the past month or so. They come fewer and further between making them feel more 'hard won'; but are in my opinion giant leaps... "FIRSTS": -lanis bday 1st slow dance w/ george -stocks costume bash 1st time waling in boots w/ slight wedge all night; also cane free -lani's bday 1st slow dance with George -11/10 dusted ceiling fan blades standing on floor made friendship bracelet in 1hr started coloring again; finished pic in 1 hr -10/28 drew entire page collage -10/25 read entire book in one day