Saturday, February 26, 2011

how do i?

How do i know i will continue to get better? How do i know that i won't alienate the support system i have left? how do i continue to be this woman,this shell of my former self? How do i merge who i was, who i am and who i want to be? How do i get my emotions under control? How do i keep my head held high when i look, move and sound LIKE THIS? How do i continue to build self-confidence when there's sooo fuckin little to be confident about? How do i continue to give you me heart when i'm so unsure of where i fit in yours? How do i trust that you love me this much when you are so far out of my league? How do i know you miss me when you are never here? How do i keep away when you have my whole heart in your strong hands? How do i give you what you want or need when this is all that i am? How do i even begin to reach for your heart when i know you can do so much better than me? How do i continue to work through or try to ignore the suffocating loneliness? How do i continue? How do i continue this terrifying, exhausting journey alone? How do i continue? How do i continue to pick myself up during every down spiral and claw my way back to positivity? How do i continue?  How do i continue and pretend that i know it will get better? How do i continue? How do i continue to trust in His plan? How do i continue? How do i continue to believe that this time i really haven't been given more than i can handle, that He hasn't overestimated me? How do i continue? How????