Saturday, February 5, 2011

where is that girl?

Sometimes I wish I was still that girl who didn't need anyone, the one who made her own way and you were lucky if you knew what she had planned or where she was off to next.  I was that girl who didn't "believe anything she heard and only half of what she saw", cynical, stubbornly independent and terrified of actual emotional attachment.  I enjoyed you while in your immediate vicinity but could and often did leave at a moments notice with no pangs of loss or backwards glances.  I'm older now, but more importantly this stroke has MADE me, forced me to slow down.  I now need support, assistance; with all my emotional boundaries and defense mechanisms erased I'm too trusting, emotionally starved and have no walls in place.  I am the anti-pre stroke Chisa... where is that girl?  I still don't want a man to hang my hopes, contentment, and half my existence on; I want my man.  Funny that even though he was never mine that's how I have grown to think of him, as my man.