Definitely need the Sandman to break some traffic laws to get here, after this last loooong stretch of traveling, family heartbreak, and increasing seizure activity. Seizure activity breaking through my new higher dosage of meds really drives home the fact that I need to pay attention to how much my environment and company impact my endurance for the day, which in turn effects the rest of my week. #tbiaffectedme and still does daily. Due to my TBI any emotion I feel good or bad worsen my #chronicpain and #brainfuzz so does any kind of game or physical activity. Seriously. Tomorrow we are going to a conference for motivational speakers, which is great for @jpeuker and I. We both have separate plans in motion to educate, motivate, help, support and inspire as many as possessible. So being this tuckered I'm shutting everything down early. Goodnight my loves, I wish you all an amazing night and sweet dreams. #longdaysmakemybrainfuzzy #avmstrokesurvivor #strengthcomesinallforms #strokeembassador #lifeafterstroke #blessed #greatful #loveafterstroke #givingupisnotanoption #brainfeelslikemush #bettruetoyourself #bekindtoyourself #iamawarrior #beingkindisfree #beingthechangeIwanttosee
Wednesday, September 30, 2009
Tuesday, September 29, 2009
I'm thinking that once you stop picturing of old lovers while belting out breakup songs and love ballads; and start singing to the negative voice in your head, you're really starting a to win the battle of true self confidence.
I find that the most stirring and emotional vocals I attempt now have the negative self talk voice and old me in the fore front, shrinking in shame and maybe shying away from my sub par vocals as well lol! 😘
Have a wonderful day lovies!
Monday, September 28, 2009
Sunday, September 27, 2009
This definitely isn't what or who I thought I would be at 32, but I'm damned proud of who I am now. The hospital uses my images in their rehab facility and I'm their marketing. On top of that I have major advocacy groups on social media wanting to collaborate soon, I'm getting my message out, I'm paying my lessons forward, and I'm bridging the gaps of communication or misconceptions between survivors and their care givers, or doctors, even friends and family. I'm helping people articulate what they couldn't alone.I'm helping them get through another day, and soon I will be saving millions with my best selling book (well you know-once I write it, get published and God willing a big reception of the finished product)! I've got a big future, I am not going to fail. I love you. Thank you.
Saturday, September 26, 2009
Friday, September 25, 2009
Thursday, September 24, 2009
There's a lot of basic functions that get affected when you have hemi-paresis or paralysis, especially if it's an entire side of your body. In my case I've found it to be ruthless and thorough. From vocal chords to using the bathroom. Five and a half years after my stroke I've found my words, relearned to write, memorize, walk, stand, sit up, laugh, sing, and tie my shoes, dress myself, wiggle my digits, lift my arm...
Yet try as I might I still can't seem to master the art of starting a urine stream. Sure, it's all laughs when you're popping a squat on the side of some obscure highway laughing hysterically with your friend cause it's been 20 mins that you've had an emergent need to go but can't remember how. This is a whole other beast we're dealing with here. This,.... this is FIVE YEARS LATER and I've just spent an hour trying to relive the "I'm about to burst!!" feeling. There's a silver lining, I eventually figure it out. But it's not exactly something you get a pamphlet or therapy session to work on. So when you're having a rough day feel free to use this information to get the laughs you need for a fresh perspective on things. If you can't laugh at yourself, you have no business laughing at anyone else.
I named the post what I did because despite common lore, and my innate pull towards the dramatic; I am not comfortable sharing this information with people. I'm a 32 year old woman, I didn't even consider that my best decade would include disposable underwear. I pray with gratitude daily for finding a love that is not unfamiliar with what goes along with surviving a TBI. It's not pretty, quiet, inspiring, easy, neat, quick no. In fact it's humbling, improvised, humiliating, exposing, painful, and can seem never ending. But you're not alone. You are not your ailments. I wish someone could have painted THAT picture for me.
All this being said... My thirties really are proving to be my best decade so far!
Wednesday, September 23, 2009
No one is strong all the time. I'm no one's ambassador today. I've been fighting every aspect of life, jumping through their hoops with a grace and gratefulness I thought I'd lost, but there are too many minefields and today my battle is too much for me to bear.
Tuesday, September 22, 2009
Long love filled productive day, including getting to binge hangout with @morgizzle101 and @jpeuker , and then even had some quick sweet convoys with my loves, too far, incredibly loved @jenni_fun666 @theheartofhumboldt @brittorais and my ohana!! I'm pooped and about down for the count, but today was needed and COMPLETELY worth the #brainfog #brainfuzz and #spasticityflare that are rolling in.... #iminlovewithmylife #couldntbehappier #sweetdreams
Sunday, September 20, 2009
It's not just the mental fatigue which is even more debilitating than you could know, but if you're also battling physical effects that will greatly reduce mental endurance and it makes it almost not possible to find my actual baseline...
Saturday, September 19, 2009
Friday, September 18, 2009
If my best is not good enough for you, maybe you need to adjust your expectations. I give everything I have daily, if that's still not enough for you I can no longer carry it as my burden. I give it back to you.
Thursday, September 17, 2009
Is fighting the constant nagging voice telling me my loved ones would be better off without me brave? Is fighting the uphill battle of a stroke survivor brave? Is having surgery on my ailing body brave? There are the loudest voices telling me that having to help me in every way is selfish. And less than they deserve. Heaping financial and emotional burdens on my mom seems the most cowardly. I honestly believe that I'm being selfish, not just by finally putting myself and my health first, but by making those in my life compensate for my short comings just by virtue of staying close to me. Everyday I feel a mounting, a growing desperation to let them off the hook and just stop fighting. I feel like my life is only punishing my loved ones, they have to do so much more just to hang out or spend time with me. What is brave? Is brave letting everyone off the hook? Is brave doing the only thing I really know how to do (fight my current reality and earn back my independence)? Is brave faking strength? Is it in lowering the quality of life of those closest to me? It feels like my survival, my fight, my journey is doing the opposite of all that I've ever wanted to do; help and make everyone's life a little brighter, a little more love filled daily.
Wednesday, September 16, 2009
I'm posting this because a lot of you don't know that I struggled with borderline personality disorder (this diagnosis is being reevaluated), depression, anxiety, insomnia and PTSD since before I turned 10 (except insomnia that came in my teens). In 2006 I was hospitalized on a 51/50 and got to experience what Alice felt like discovering Wonderland.
Of course the brain injury has completely exacerbated my mental illness and even through survival and working extensively to get as recovered as I am; I still have suicidal days. Some days I can't see the sense in surviving and working so hard, when I constantly feel I'm draining the energy and resources of my support system. Who am I to make those closest to me stress or suffer so I can get through? Today has been one of my worst recently, it's a combination of stress, med changes and financial worry. Most days I think I know my purpose for still being here and can force myself to focus on that and change my perspective through altruism, some days like today I just can't. There's no more positivity in reserve, I'm tapped out. However, if you can get through, so can I. Thank you.
Tuesday, September 15, 2009
So obviously yesterday was... challenging to say the least, but as advertised I got through it. Today started out hard, but has since gotten better with communication and raw honesty. Day by day can seem monumental at times, so in those instances I beg you to take everything minute by minute. Cry, yell, scream, walk, run, sing, do whatever you need to inn order to carry on. I share my ups and downs openly so you can know, really know that you are not alone. Together we can make it through all the challenges and lessons life has for us.
Monday, September 14, 2009
On December 9, 2015 I finally got knee surgery to stabilize it more and get back out of the wheelchair I injured myself back into while relearning how to walk again. Now I MUST listen to the recovery timeline, I must go at my body's pace. If I rush this or don't let the graphs heal properly and take hold, I'm pretty sure they're not gonna do this for me again lol. This time just gutting it out, working through the pain, and pushing to my very limit daily; will not be my approach. I've got to do this right and be patient with myself and body.
Sunday, September 13, 2009
Thank you again @ceedub7676 for this reminder. "Ho'omau is the Hawaiian value of perseverance and persistence. In practicing this value, we become more tenacious and resilient, and thus, more courageous. Ho'omau also means to perpetuate, and to continue in a way that causes good to be long-lasting."
Saturday, September 12, 2009
Not even 10 am yet and I'm journaling again! It took a couple of years but I'm so much more bolstered emotionally and confident in myself today... Instead of fighting to go back to sleep I took advantage of the early morning with some am social networking (done to help others that are fighting), breakfast made for myself, and now the realization that journaling is an integral part of me and taking that moment of realization to climb back on the mountain and start climbing!
Friday, September 11, 2009
Thursday, September 10, 2009
I have to take comfort in the fact that my 6 year stroke anniversary passed without me crumbling. This was the first year that the anniversary of my stroke (2/21/2010) did not tear me down. It passed without notice, I'm so far from where I was that I really am learning how to just enjoy everyday, and I'm amazed with the quality of life that I have now. It's only getting better.
Wednesday, September 9, 2009
Tuesday, September 8, 2009
Monday, September 7, 2009
After my earlier post, just getting that off my chest freed me and I had a pretty productive day. I'm resetting my focus and as always ending my day with gratitude.