Sunday, February 13, 2011

ugh

Okay so I am still having a hard time coping with the way my cognitive tests from my psych eval went, I KNOW I'm not stupid but how do I find my tools again?  How do I explain my difficulties when I have no check list of what to look for?  A good friend of mine was over the other day and started a conversation with my housemate about me and how they both feel that I short change myself and could go back to work and be successful.  That immediately put my back up because they were (with the best intentions) trying to disprove or minimize my cognitive short comings and made me feel as though I was trying to make excuses to remain stagnant.  I have always worked I've paid my own way since I was 15 and got soo overly defensive because they wouldn't drop it.  My goal is to make something of myself.  I want to return to work and school once I have the tools to be successful, sure I found my words again but I can not yet multiply or divide, let alone anything more complex.  I have yet to find my problem solving, abstract thinking or coping mechanisms... and those are just the deficiencies I am aware of.  I have debilitating anxiety and when I get overwhelmed my brain just stops, short circuits and I freeze until I have a meltdown then there's no recovering the day.  I can't even work fast food competently with that on my head.  But why do I have to explain that to everyone with a fucking opinion? What business is it of yours? How the fuck does it affect your day? It doesn't.  But it kills me every time I have to do it.  Does being a young stroke survivor mean that I now have to be bare and vulnerable for everyone who  means well? Life was damned difficult before the stroke but it does not, cannot wait; you just keep getting more to pile on, more to juggle and well, I am running out of hands.  I will not stop working until I am a better version of the person I was on February 20th, 2010... the night before my stroke.  But at times it seems like too lofty of a goal, am I really as worthless as I feel right now? I have to believe that I am not and that this will pass.