Friday, March 18, 2011

Bad Day

Here I am about to be 28 needing to move out because the obligations that come with having me here have become too much for the friend first in line to help out.  I now am blessed to have two sets of friends willing to let me move in one offers as long as I need (but I know there will be an eventual expiration date) and the others aren't looking to stay where they are through the upcoming winter... the biggest consideration I need to contemplate is being solely dependent on one couple or being dependent on another while still having my mom 20 minutes away for another few months, either way I'm dependent on EVERYONE else, they can still get, and understandably so, tired of meeting my needs.
I was compulsively independent for 26 years and now.... now I am humbled, blessed, grateful and... done. I'm fuckin done being the white elephant in the room everyone avoids talking about I cannot will not do this, alienate anymore loved ones.  Being a young stroke survivor, telling my story, SURVIVING is not fucking worth it if at the end of EVERY SINGLE DAY at my heart of hearts I have to feel worthless, indebted, like a plague or unnecessary expense.  What's the use? Who benefits? NO ONE. The number of those concerned loved ones will continue to dwindle,  so who am I suffering for? Why post pone the inevitable?  Why did I get through that? So I can die alone having exasperated the patience, stores of love and sheer energy of everyone I hold dear? You can say all you want that anyone worth having in my life won't mind, but at the end of the day everyone has a limit. Obligations get old it's human nature... it's inevitable. Lots of things are.