Sunday, May 1, 2011

Picture This (night of 2/21/2010)

Try to imagine yourself at 26 years old; working, partying, traveling (etc.) long story short- (be prepared you will be eventually getting the whole story- can't say I didn't warn you)... And on a semi-predictable night with your current project (a.k.a. friend in need of guidance); only something's not right.  There's a echo you are currently trying to ignore telling you that you should have stayed home.  You take your second baby hit (insert assumption about a 'hit of what' here) decide that getting wasted is not on the agenda and decide to pass, now you're trying to figure out if you wanna go home or... when you get a pinpoint blast of INTENSE pain and instantly hear your most courageous self murmur "FUUUUUUUCK! Should have listened to that gut feeling, this shit's not right."  Your last man on defense, your ace in the hole is now panicking.  The Macguyver part of your psyche has been beaten.  But with no health insurance, a highly ranked PO for a father, a relationship still mending with your mother, and having just started back to school again you instinctively know that from this moment nothing will ever be the same....
Fearing high hospital bills you wait to go to the hospital trying to tell yourself that this is nothing serious.  You've had migraines since you were seven and while you know that's not what this is you justify the cavalier facade because you are no stranger to excruciating head pains.  You now notice (belatedly) that you've been in pain for about a half hour and are now DRIPPING sweat as though you went running through the Sahara for your life while being 50 lbs overweight.  But you're not, you are sitting in a climate controlled environment trying to convince yourself that you are fine, head hurting so bad it's bringing tears to your eyes and you are now drenched in your own unearned sweat.
As the hours go by you loose all sense of your left side without realizing it.  Attempting to cap a water bottle while holding the cap in one hand and bottle in the other proves to be life's greatest mystery; you know that they go together that it SHOULD be a no brainer but you are now just sitting staring at the objects in each hand.  In the time you were trying to figure out how to cap the bottle you lost the knowledge of what you were trying to do and why, now you sit staring at the cap and bottle and are not quite sure why you can't remember what they are, what they do, and how to get rid of them.  You look up to explain your quandary only to find that you have to comically over enunciate ev-er-y-th-in-g in order to make somewhat recognizable  sounds or grumlings.  The cap has now falllen out of your left hand but you can't feel it, see it or process that there is anything there. You know that you should get up and try to shake off whatever 'this' is but now standing is life's ultimate wonder.  However did you do that before? Now it hits, this is serious you need help.
Thinking you may just be lucky enough to sleep it better I took a nap and when I (miraculously-according to medical professionals) woke up attempted to stand up and fell face first "TIMMMBEERRR"epic fall and crack the upper right side of my head on the corner of the coffee table.  At this point my friends weren't fucking around listening to me anymore, they carried me to the car, held me up when the put me in and buckled me up.  Not conscious by the time we go.....
I got to the hospital to find that I had been suffering a stroke for the past eight to nine hours, and now could possibly die from it.  It took two days for me to stabilize enough for brain surgery in which they drained 200ml of blood and repaired surface damage to my brain, not being able to get to the ruptured blood vessel (it was so far in,attempting to stop it would've caused more damage than leaving it active).
 A malformed blood vessel in the right hemisphere of my brain had burst and in a blink of an eye I had become a 26 year old stroke survivor.  It turns out that I had always had a weak blood vessel in my brain that we never knew about and after a lifetime of 'poking the bear', it bit back.  While there was not enough toxin in my system to have realistically caused the stroke it definitely did not help, and now my life and myself have been irrevocably changed and this is my journey....

Saturday, April 30, 2011


I have played with the posting order of this blog and this is how it reads now:
It starts at the beginning of this newest chapter in my story; the stroke(my catalyst for starting a blog), after that it goes chronologically from the night of my stroke to today; don't pay attention to the post dates, I have to date each new entry prior to the one before it so everything will read accordingly and hopefully make more sense.

Thursday, April 7, 2011

October 23rd 2010

I'm glad that after 8+ months I still find it "funny-haha" that my left hand more often than not reminds me of that damn claw machine that NEVER grabs the prize you were aiming for.  At least I don't have to pay $1 each time I try to use it! Occupational therapy would suck and I would be seriously BROKE.  I think that Natalie Portmans character, Sam in 'Garden State' said it best with:
"...what do you do? You laugh. I'm not saying I don't cry but in between I laugh and I realize how silly it is to take anything too seriously. Plus, I look forward to a good cry. It feels pretty good."

Tuesday, April 5, 2011

October 19th 2010

I feel different. It's like I'm six again and everything is detrimental; all those coping mechanisms you develop over the years (from unfair shit you justified as 'learning experiences') get washed away like blue prints on a fucking Etch-A-Sketch.  Bullshit.  I thought I was finally starting to implement a few of those (heehee).
On the bright side though I am learning some pretty important new lessons.  And I didn't loose ALL the old ones... Just a few of the whoppers! Some that could prove vital for some of the people that mean the most to me.  Well, more succinctly my dealings with them.  Bittersweet but considerable book material.
I wish I wasn't soo damned needy though.  I try to squash the feelings of loneliness and concentrate on the positives of more contemplative time but it doesn't quite stick... not yet anyway.

Robin Thicke - Can You Believe (Stripped)

Sunday, April 3, 2011

November 5th 2010

People write me off as emotional, hormonal or brain damaged; which I am. No argument but I am not merely being sentimental....
One of the paramount lessons I have learned since February is that it is VITAL that those who have a place in your heart know it, and know exactly what their role is.  People generally cooperate but you have to let them see your script.

3/7 starting from now...

Been a while since I last attempted this, apparently I'm ready to open the flood gates. It's officially been over a year since my stroke and things are definitely... bittersweet.  My hair is electric red (probably not the best choice), I walk with a cane am about and am about 4 sizes over what I'd like to be.  Not quite what I envisioned for the 2nd half of my 27th year.

What can you do though?  Make the best of it and love the life you have.  That's all.  Anything else is counterproductive.  Obviously channeling Pollyanna right now, oh well lets just go with this shall we?  I'm at least FINALLY slowly albeit, but finally headed in the right direction.  I allow for small or minor detours because the detours are where the more profound lessons lie.

On the personal front I find myself having to firmly decide to be accepting and appreciative of the 'new' facets of myself that I am discovering.  I was not ever this trepidations.  That's not entirely correct, I just did not let it hinder me before.  I do need to get that back; that "scared? it scared" mentality that dominated my psyche before.  I know I've still got it somewhere in me, I've just got to find it again... the race is on!