Monday, January 17, 2011

is this me?

It's official; my claim for social security and long term disability have been denied. I know that most of the people currently on those benefits were denied at least three times before being approved, but do I want to continue this battle? Must I parade my inefficiencies until I'm deemed worthy of help? Do I find a minimum wage job that I hopefully won't fail at or have a mental breakdown trying to do? Is this me? Is this really all I am now, not healed enough to really work and pay my own way, but not bad enough to qualify for aid? I can't allow my family to keep paying my bills and my friends to treat me whenever they want to do something with me, so what now? Any job I could even be considered for would not pay enough for me to be financially independent and my brain is not healed enough for me to go back to school so you tell me. Somebody please fucking tell me what I'm to do. My recovery is slowing, my morale weaning and I don't know how much fight I've actually got left in me. Would you take just any job, or would you do your best to be able to continue working on your recovery? Why can't I do both? Because either one takes all that I have in me, I don't have enough for both. Is this really what the culmination of my life so far comes to? Is this me?