Thursday, December 31, 2009


As mortifying as this is for me and as vulnerable that I feel doing this; I don't think I can call this blog an honest portrayal of life after stroke if I don't share this.  Without the Help to Recover program at Easter Seals I would have no idea how common bladder and muscle control problems really are.  It would be the end of the world.  Even with my new knowledge and daily proof that I'm not alone and dealing with rare effects, it took me much longer than necessary to accept that adult diapers are a part of my journey (for now), and it only effects the way I view myself; not the way anyone else sees me. #Youarenotalone #avmstrokesurvivor. #Strokesurvivor

Saturday, December 5, 2009


I still get wonderfully shocked at the amount of love that fills my life. I no longer feel alone without a place to rest; i have a residence filled with souls that miss me when I'm gone and welcome me upon my return. I have an amazing core group of friends who love me in my best and worst moments, who want to be around me in whatever mood and not because of what i can do/get for them but simply because they enjoy me. I also have a man who loves and supports me, cherishes and appreciates me like I'm the best thing that's ever crossed his path. Sounds simple enough; but worth its weight in gold when it's taken 29 years and a miraculous stroke survival to attain. Yesterday I was thrown a surprise birthday party and I find myself so happy I could cry... or hyperventilate. So instead I'll just pay the love forward.

Friday, December 4, 2009


I believe with my whole heart that I have always led a charmed existence; gifted with a phenomenal family, amazing friends and some unexpected luck.  Truly a blessed life, only now I am the one blemish.  I am the mar on the scenic panorama.  I am across the board the ugly in my life, and those of my loved ones.

This isn't me feeling blue, this is me FINALLY facing facts.  I am blessed in having survived the stroke, to have recovered this much, and I will not give up because I cannot cause more ugly into the lives of those still around.  But on days like this I wonder, really wonder, if I'm doing more damage hanging on than I would if I just removed the blight on their collective radars...

Thank you...

You know who you are, thank you for finally respecting me as a friend enough to hold up your end of things, for holding tight and now letting go. I'll always love you, hold you in my heart as one of my best friends.  But with that last tether cut I can finally let the idea of us go, let go of the hope that you had not taken this final step because you and I were working toward an "us" together.  Thank you. I am free :)

Thursday, December 3, 2009


I was talking with my love this weekend discussing the fact that he does not give people the benefit of the doubt, he expects the worst and it's up to them to prove him wrong. I on the other hand tend to trust people until they give me a reason not to. I hold people to lower standards than those I set for myself and then the motivation behind that hit me; because I automatically assume that people are not capable of living up to the consideration level I function at. Lesson of the day, I'm the bigger asshole.

Wednesday, December 2, 2009


I'm not quite sure why I assumed that once I received my disability and was finally able to be self sufficient again, that.... You know what? No, that's not what's plaguing me right now. Realizing that my window of 100% is (if experts are to be heeded) figuratively closing more and more daily, I'm haunted.  I know that no one (not even me) knows what I am capable of, but if that is going off majorities rule, it is something to keep in mind. Now that being said, I'm terrified.

Fear is not something that's going to slow my efforts but is something that can eat away at you if not channeled correctly.
As a matter of fact, I have been feeling the urge to spend some creative energy but couldn't (and this is new for me), couldn't wrap my head around a medium that didn't give me severe anxiety; as crazy as that sounds.  But Claire has just surprised me with a charcoal sketchbook set... Perfect timing and a testament to how amazing my support system is now.  Hopefully if I taker the time to sketch a bit, I'll be able to sleep tomorrow.

Progress has slowed considerably...

Tuesday, December 1, 2009

Not so sure

I'm not soooooooo sure where this posting will be going tonight... It's 4:23 and I can't sleep.  Again.  My meds have been adjusted and I'm going harder on my workouts so I should be out like my man here; all in all though this is my most pressing agitation so I see no reason to complain. 
My insurance is getting to the final switchover, I'll be on my way to my permanent team of physicians and specialists, and then back on track for my physical, occupational and speech therapies.  My bills get paid on time, and there is money for food and toiletries left over.  I live with two people who care far more about me than I ever thought I deserved.  My family is proud of me and continuing to be more and more proud of me as progress is made.  My friends are supportive, encouraging, respectful and empathetic.  I have an amazing foundation laid now, it's only up from here! 
I think I needed this all this to happen after such a life changing chain of events, only now can I truly recognize and appreciate all that I am blessed to have, to be, and have the potential to become.  I have the opportunity to be so much more than I was before the stroke, soooooooo much better as a person.  This has been and will be at moments some of the hardest times I've ever faced before, and I am so grateful that I get to come through this and eventually add it to the list of shit that didn't break me.  Things that not everyone could handle with a lightness in their heart and still learn the lessons and absorb all the beauty that comes with pain and hardship and tragedy.