Thursday, February 3, 2011

new reality..

I always thought that I was meant for greatness that I would make a difference in the world once I reached my full potential and stopped fucking around... now it seems as though my remarkable feat is to get through each damn day.  To not let this new reality break me.  To not let being completely alone for the first time beat me.  To not let the weight of terror crush me.  My progress has slowed but I'm not going to give up.  I am lonely and terrified but I am going to use that as catalyst to keep improving.  All the negatives that threaten to tar me apart in my weakest moments are being harnessed and used as motivation to beat this.  Fuck all of you that think I need a kick in the ass, screw all of you who assume I've gotten lax, bite me if you truly believe that I have lost my fire, my fight.  Guess what... I do all I can every day.  If that means getting up to take care of my cat then pulling the covers back over my head so I'm not soo tempted to slit my wrists or take all my sleep meds then that's all I have in me.  If it's cleaning the living room, or doing some laundry, or taking a walk around my block then that's all I have in me.  If you rely on what you know of me you'd trust that I'm a fighter and have not ever been lazy or dependent on others to do for me, the thought of that has always turned my stomach... so guess what??? When the stakes are higher than ever I don't have it in me to skirt the challenge I simply realize that all the other shit before was like battle training for this.  And once I get past this I will use the strength gained here for my next challenge.  You cannot take that away from me.  You do not see what I go through moment to moment, don't know how challenging and taxing EVERYTHING still is on my brain and body, you won't know cause it's not in me to incessantly whine or show just how vulnerable and damaged I am (maybe it's too much pride) but whatever the case just please learn to trust the me you knew before.  Stop saying that you think I need a 'kick in the ass', I don't.  I'm the only one challenged and embarrassed and overstimulated by EVERYTHING all the damn time.  I live this, not you. Take your assumptions and choke on them.  Each time you tell me you think I need more motivation or for people to be more strict on me it makes my blood boil.  What more motivation can someone else give me?  How much harder can someone else kick me in the ass??  I'm the one who has difficulty with EVERYTHING, I'm the one living this with no escape hatch or pause button, so you tell me since you think you know it all what can anyone else not going through this do to motivate me more??? Bottom line, my motivation lies in me, in my life things won't get better, my quality of life will not improve until I do.  No one knows this more than me.  So just remember that no one is more motivated to push past this completely than I am, no one is more alarmed by my stagnating progress than I am, and NO ONE will ever push me harder than I do myself because where I am now, the current state of things is not more bothersome or worrisome to anyone than it is to me.