Tuesday, February 22, 2011

life has no pause button...

It's another hard day, one that started out hopeful enough I woke up struggled to make the decision I have to every day; to be happy, to be grateful and fight.  I went through my exercises, played my brain games then get hit with IRS owing from 2003, an expired extension and battles with medi-cal.  I go through the motions, communicating my current situation and my difficulties and form plans of action- all of which involve me depending on others for transportation, form help for my damaged brain and being treated like a lower life form.

I already feel worthless, going through each day fighting to get better and stay positive enough not to end this journey so I  can tell my story and hopefully one day have someone stumble upon this blog and by reading my heart and thoughts feel less alone. I arrogantly assumed that getting better was to be the hardest part for me , but I forgot that life has no fucking pause button.  The universe does not wait for you to catch up, things still pile on and the past is still waiting for resolution. I am completely overwhelmed and overburdening my innocent loved ones... but for how much longer? My stamina is rapidly fraying, I feel hollowed out, completely depleted and yet still expected to, still attempting to pull my weight, somehow reciprocate what  I can to those who continue to stand by me and try not to expect anything in return.

But I am the only one on my journey, I am the only on that can make me better, I hold the key to my happiness I have the tools I just have to find then again but when does enough get to be enough?  How much punishment does on endure before things start to look up?  How many obstacles must I scale before the tide starts to turn and I can clear away some of the worries to do what I need to in order to fully recover? Will I ever fully recover? If I am destined to remain lonely in the midst of dozens of distracted, half-assed, well meaning, patience expiring loved ones I might as well quit while I still have that.  Too bad I've never been a fucking quitter and I don't fucking have it in me to disappoint the ones who have rallied for me, I'm stubborn enough to suffer this and try to prove the nay-sayers wrong.  I just don't know if what I have left will ultimately be enough.

I've had 26 years of life prior to this, filled with sexual abuse, mental abuse, abandonment, struggling to remain independent, working for everything I have done and acquired, becoming the best in challenging jobs, rising up in the face of adversity, heartbreak and enough mistakes for three people... They say the what doesn't kill you makes you stronger, I don't feel stronger right now I feel tired, old, vulnerable, damaged and fragile.