Saturday, January 15, 2011

???

Going to see my new doctor tomorrow and I'm probably going to bombard her with too many things that I want to go over. I was talking to a friend tonight explaining how challenging it is for me to fill out the simplest of forms; I can write here but with a pen and paper or having to answer questions is next to if not (at times) not possible. I attributed it to my heightened anxieties but he pointed out that it may also be in part to information retrieval deficiencies. The thought never occurred to me but makes sense; now I'll ask my doctor how to work on it, if I should in the meantime attempt to work around it and job hunt or if she has a third option. I also need to address my heightened anxiety and insomnia. I need to get a referral for a therapist, I need to have her look at the still faulty sensation in my left side and... It's funny, it seems like a never ending list in my head, weighing on my shoulders but when I try to purge all of it only the tip of the iceberg shows up for the party. I know there's more, I think there's more... I feel more. I feel like I'm a breath away from throwing in the towel at any given point. Like I've stagnated and I no longer know how to push forward and actually get results. It's like I'm butting my head against a brick wall and I don't see a way around it. I was told the other day by a friends mother going through health crises that I give her the strength to keep fighting, that my determination and positivity are what she holds at the forefront of her mind to get her through. I feel like it's undeserved. I will not tell her that and make her see my self doubt; I refuse to show her how to plant those seeds of her own but where is that Pollyanna phase? I need it back, they come fewer and farther between; I'm wondering if my stagnation is a self fulfilled prophecy. I fear it so much that I've focused it into fruition... no fucking way. This WILL NOT beat me. I may not be sun-shiny all the damned time but I am not going to settle for the current state of things. I will continue to get better and my life as a whole will be better in a year from now. This is not where my story ends, it is not. THIS IS NOT WHERE MY STORY ENDS.