Monday, January 31, 2011

Still not okay

I thought that since I haven't had to use my wheelchair in a year I'd be okay using it for long distances  this weekend.  I was wrong.  I detest not having the strength and the stimuli blocking skills to walk around this crowded unfamiliar vaca destination as we indulge in a long weekend.  When we go shopping I have to ride in my chair, when we explore the city I need to ride in my chair and today as we toured the zoo I needed to ride in my chair.  My mother bless her heart is on a mission to push me everywhere, wanting to help but drawing more attention to me than I can handle.  I never used to give a shit about what people thought about me, and I don't really now but I CANNOT handle the incessant stares and the attitude that comes when people are delayed even the slightest bit by someone with mobility issues.  I had a meltdown today and couldn't help my public tears; something I do my damndest not to have occur.  My traveling companions only exacerbated things by wanting to take every trolly, tram or handicap bus we could.  They thought it was cool to take advantage of the perks of having a wheelchair in the group but for every special ride they got, I got five extra minutes of intense scrutiny from people watching or waiting, not to mention the grunts and grumbles of the employees having to set me up.  On the vehicles you never get close enough to really see any animals so the only thing that was distracting me and making the trip bearable was ripped from me when my preferences were not even acknowledged.  I'm not an invalid and do not want to be a burden or obligation so if I must use the damned chair let me do it myself!  I felt on display as a freakshow exhibition but invisible as a human.  What's worse is that due to my worsening gate I no longer have the option of just sucking it up and walking as much as I can, unsure if it's a physical therapy issue, neurological issue, or surgical issue I have been ordered to take it easy on the walking before the problem becomes greater than any treatment.  My leg is literally twisted, turning in from hip to knee, then turning out from knee to ankle causing said ankle to roll; the result: every step feeling like this is the one that is gonna snap my knee.  It's hard not to get discouraged.