Thursday, February 17, 2011

shit or get off the pot... 6/2/2011

I went all in and he folded... figures.  I can't even call him a dick or find fault; I had to go for it and he just doesn't feel the same way.  I'm not the one for him, not enough to risk a relationship, hurt feelings or bruised pride.  Serves me right I guess for hoping that my best friend would miraculously be the love of my life.  I wonder how long it'll take me to get my heart back? How much longer will I be in love with a man who no doubt loves me but is not IN love with me?  And why fight me leaving all those times if ultimately you weren't gonna choose me? I don't want to believe it was a game, the thrill of the chase but if it was you won, you got me and at my most vulnerable I stupidly gave you the power to throw me away.  When it fully hits and I'm in the darkest hour of my mourning this lost dream I'll no doubt wonder if it's because I'm impaired now but in my heart of hearts I know it's not; without the walls I had spent 26 years subconsciously building I simply could no longer hold back my feelings, my love and my wants/needs.  So for the first time instead of just enjoying him, taking the easy chicken shit- no acknowledgment of my actual feelings way out- I stepped up tortured us both and put it all out there.  At least I know now that I can, get rejected, and still know that I have to go on, get better, that life goes on and I've faced worse.