Wednesday, January 26, 2011

Will Not...

I will not get comfortable with my deficiencies; I asolutetly abhor being told that some of the cognitive problems I now battle are the same of some who haven't had a stroke.  I don't care about how I measure up to others my goal will remain to keep pushing to keep fighting until I am a better version of myself before the fucking stroke. If you've ever truly known me you know I have always been a "balls to the wall" "go big or go home" type of woman... That hasn't changed-thank God.
The only reason I have made so much damned progress is because of that mentality, because I am so hard on myself.  I'm fully aware that at times it makes my new reality hard for me to cope with but getting comfortable with anything less than a 110% recovery would be harder. This is a part of me that I am most grateful to have not misplaced, it is what allows me to be grateful for this journey and all that is coming with it, it is what keeps me hopeful and ultimately stops me from slitting my wrists at my darkest moments.  I just need people to stop trying to beat it out of me with a feather pillow.  I fear that if they succeed then that is when I will have lost myself, this battle and when the stroke will truly have broken me.