Friday, February 25, 2011

boundaries

Since the stroke I have HAD to curb my 'captain save a ho' tendencies and focus all of that positivity and resourcefulness on myself ; something I almost never did before.  It's now drilled home that no one else can get better for me, and no one else knows exactly what I'm going through so myself and my rehabilitation HAVE TO come first.

With that also comes another first... boundaries, I have to make them clear or I am the only one suffering. They are everywhere and I can no longer afford to ignore them, not to mention I no longer have the inclination or patience to curb them.  I mean from my space bubble to my feelings and over to my needs.  It boils down to safety for me... everything is on an extremely delicate balance.  Things I need really need are the only things I ask from others and that need stems from either a emotional, mental, or physical safety issue so when I get ignored, forgotten or judged upon those needs I no longer retreat back into myself unwilling to inconvenience anyon,e I have to now tactfully assert myself (no easy feat since I no longer have a damn filter either).  This was all very uncomfortable for a long time and still is (in my more sensitive moments) but if I have to then I REALLY have to now and I must say that I'm becoming very proud of that.  I'll no longer be a doormat to feel loved and appreciated, I still am.  And now that I really have to ask for help (as hard as it is) I am no longer too proud to do so. 

I'll admit that I still wait as long as possible to ask for said assistance more often than not compounding the problem(s) attempting to figure out a way to get it done solo but I can now admit when help is vital and proactively seek it... damn 'growing pains'.