Friday, April 1, 2011

4/7/2008

it's absolutely infuriating to have members of your 'support system' breathing down your neck and disapointed in you cause "you're not better yet?", they're tired and have their own shit and I am an adult that should not have to be their responsibility but when I push myself too far too fast and hurt myself why are the FIRST people telling me not to rush, to take shit a day at a time the ones fucking tired of my situation?!? I didn't fucking ask you to be here, actually tried to distance myself from EVERYONE for this exact reason but what because you wanted to feel like a hero, wanted your praises sung you signed up.  YOU said you needed to be here that you weren't going anywhere no matter what, well I still give 110% ALL I HAVE to my recovery EVERYDAY so you tell me when the mysterious expiration date on your love, your patience, you high opinion of me was set for cause I'm confused.  I don't know if it was guilt 'cause you know beyond a shadow of a doubt I would do the same, no MORE everything I could for you if the situation was reversed (ooh ohhh and I HAVE) whatever the reason I am grateful but please stop looking down on me.  I may be brain damaged but I know patronizing, condescending, impatience and back stabbing still.  I am NOT that mentally challenged. I am doing my best I see that it's not enough for you but at this point there is NO WHERE for me to go, I have to ride this out and work through it, you're the dumb ass that insisted you be a part of this journey so I'm sorry you didn't think it through but what would you like me to do about it???

I can't rush this, I can't force my body, my brain to heal on my or your time-line if that was possible it'd be done by now.   I look at myself everyday and fight the vision of me as a failure a burden a blip on the radar of those who love me but I can't ignore the very reflection of that in your eyes when you look at me; ignore the tone in your voice when you 'talk' to me. I have been half a step away from 'resetting' this lifetime since the beginning and getting the feeling that I'm a burden or an unwelcome obligation does nothing to help squelch the urge.  Apparently I'm too contrary to give in, to give up but I sure let you make me feel like that would be the gracious thing of me... to just bow out gracefully and not bother anyone anymore.