Saturday, April 30, 2011


I have played with the posting order of this blog and this is how it reads now:
It starts at the beginning of this newest chapter in my story; the stroke(my catalyst for starting a blog), after that it goes chronologically from the night of my stroke to today; don't pay attention to the post dates, I have to date each new entry prior to the one before it so everything will read accordingly and hopefully make more sense.

Thursday, April 7, 2011

October 23rd 2010

I'm glad that after 8+ months I still find it "funny-haha" that my left hand more often than not reminds me of that damn claw machine that NEVER grabs the prize you were aiming for.  At least I don't have to pay $1 each time I try to use it! Occupational therapy would suck and I would be seriously BROKE.  I think that Natalie Portmans character, Sam in 'Garden State' said it best with:
"...what do you do? You laugh. I'm not saying I don't cry but in between I laugh and I realize how silly it is to take anything too seriously. Plus, I look forward to a good cry. It feels pretty good."

Tuesday, April 5, 2011

October 19th 2010

I feel different. It's like I'm six again and everything is detrimental; all those coping mechanisms you develop over the years (from unfair shit you justified as 'learning experiences') get washed away like blue prints on a fucking Etch-A-Sketch.  Bullshit.  I thought I was finally starting to implement a few of those (heehee).
On the bright side though I am learning some pretty important new lessons.  And I didn't loose ALL the old ones... Just a few of the whoppers! Some that could prove vital for some of the people that mean the most to me.  Well, more succinctly my dealings with them.  Bittersweet but considerable book material.
I wish I wasn't soo damned needy though.  I try to squash the feelings of loneliness and concentrate on the positives of more contemplative time but it doesn't quite stick... not yet anyway.

Robin Thicke - Can You Believe (Stripped)

Sunday, April 3, 2011

November 5th 2010

People write me off as emotional, hormonal or brain damaged; which I am. No argument but I am not merely being sentimental....
One of the paramount lessons I have learned since February is that it is VITAL that those who have a place in your heart know it, and know exactly what their role is.  People generally cooperate but you have to let them see your script.

3/7 starting from now...

Been a while since I last attempted this, apparently I'm ready to open the flood gates. It's officially been over a year since my stroke and things are definitely... bittersweet.  My hair is electric red (probably not the best choice), I walk with a cane am about and am about 4 sizes over what I'd like to be.  Not quite what I envisioned for the 2nd half of my 27th year.

What can you do though?  Make the best of it and love the life you have.  That's all.  Anything else is counterproductive.  Obviously channeling Pollyanna right now, oh well lets just go with this shall we?  I'm at least FINALLY slowly albeit, but finally headed in the right direction.  I allow for small or minor detours because the detours are where the more profound lessons lie.

On the personal front I find myself having to firmly decide to be accepting and appreciative of the 'new' facets of myself that I am discovering.  I was not ever this trepidations.  That's not entirely correct, I just did not let it hinder me before.  I do need to get that back; that "scared? it scared" mentality that dominated my psyche before.  I know I've still got it somewhere in me, I've just got to find it again... the race is on!  

Saturday, April 2, 2011

long road...

On my good days I channel Pollyanna utterly grateful for my world and everyone/part in/of it.  I take this stroke, my brain damage, the physical handicaps as learning lessons and great blessings that I can work to try to earn as much of my life, myself as possible.  I do honestly see things that way, feel that way but on days like today the gratefulness wars with weariness...

There is an amazingly humbling amount of people wanting to help, encourage and watch my journey cause it inspires and as grateful as I am for all the love and support I am still utterly alone in this.  No one knows what it's like to constantly try to hide or make light of all my shortcomings, handicaps or challenges.  You see that I found my words again but you have no idea the difficulty I have using them correctly, effectively and processing the words you throw at me.  You see that I can still perform elementary math (most times) but have no idea that unless you tell me what function to perform I might as well have never seen a number before.  I did not lose knowledge I just lost my problem solving, information processing and abstract thinking tools.  It's like having all your money in a CD or IRA that you may NEVER be able to access.

I know that I don't have it in me to give up but it's terrifying to know that 80% of what I get back is a direct result of my work, dedication, and will to recover but the remaining 20 is up to nature, God, fate, the universe... not me. So as a defense mechanism I try to put on a 'recovered' face show only the strengths and none of the weaknesses (as much as possible) but it's bittersweet while people are less inclined to talk to me like a Make-A-Wish case that drools and has no real communication skills they also tend to expect more than I can deliver. My fault utterly and completely but for me it's a matter of pride and choosing the lesser of two evils.  It just makes for a terrifyingly long solo journey. No one else can get me better, no one else can find my shortcomings and ways to heal them, no one else knows how it feels to have completely lost yourself, your identity to this event.

I used to bemoan the fact that I was always "just Chis" but now what I would give to be just plain old, one of the guys Chis again.  I'm now either that young girl who had a stroke- poor thing, or I'm Chisa-did you know she had a stroke, or I'm the handicapped girl that's too much work to take out or take places.  I get it and I am grateful for those who are still around, still enjoy my company but is this really all I am now???

Recovering takes up all my days and most of my mental and emotional energy but I am so fucking tired of being defined by this my life, the way people see me but most importantly how I see myself is completely immersed in this.  And I am not even the same person on a base level, due to the location of my ruptured brain vessel the left hemisphere of my brain is now primary and overcompensating for my damaged right hemisphere... But being a right brained thinker for 26 years it's now as if I have stepped through the looking glass and turned around to view the room I was just in to find everything mirror-imaged, reversed.  It's not my vision that has been mirror imaged but my perspective I see and react to EVERYTHING differently than I would have before the stroke and even more trippy I know it, recognize it but don't know which reaction to trust... The current gut reactions, opinions and feelings or how I know I WOULD HAVE felt, done or thought as my pre-stroke self.  I guess ultimately I should be striving to reconcile and mesh the two halves to form a more complete version of myself.  I just hope that I have the stamina for it and that my loved ones, my support system have not all been drained soo much that I really do end up alone.

Friday, April 1, 2011


it's absolutely infuriating to have members of your 'support system' breathing down your neck and disapointed in you cause "you're not better yet?", they're tired and have their own shit and I am an adult that should not have to be their responsibility but when I push myself too far too fast and hurt myself why are the FIRST people telling me not to rush, to take shit a day at a time the ones fucking tired of my situation?!? I didn't fucking ask you to be here, actually tried to distance myself from EVERYONE for this exact reason but what because you wanted to feel like a hero, wanted your praises sung you signed up.  YOU said you needed to be here that you weren't going anywhere no matter what, well I still give 110% ALL I HAVE to my recovery EVERYDAY so you tell me when the mysterious expiration date on your love, your patience, you high opinion of me was set for cause I'm confused.  I don't know if it was guilt 'cause you know beyond a shadow of a doubt I would do the same, no MORE everything I could for you if the situation was reversed (ooh ohhh and I HAVE) whatever the reason I am grateful but please stop looking down on me.  I may be brain damaged but I know patronizing, condescending, impatience and back stabbing still.  I am NOT that mentally challenged. I am doing my best I see that it's not enough for you but at this point there is NO WHERE for me to go, I have to ride this out and work through it, you're the dumb ass that insisted you be a part of this journey so I'm sorry you didn't think it through but what would you like me to do about it???

I can't rush this, I can't force my body, my brain to heal on my or your time-line if that was possible it'd be done by now.   I look at myself everyday and fight the vision of me as a failure a burden a blip on the radar of those who love me but I can't ignore the very reflection of that in your eyes when you look at me; ignore the tone in your voice when you 'talk' to me. I have been half a step away from 'resetting' this lifetime since the beginning and getting the feeling that I'm a burden or an unwelcome obligation does nothing to help squelch the urge.  Apparently I'm too contrary to give in, to give up but I sure let you make me feel like that would be the gracious thing of me... to just bow out gracefully and not bother anyone anymore.


No matter how much i KNOW really know that we will not ever get more than we can handle it doesn't take away from the gratitude I have (yet can never fully express) once I get a little slack or when any of the weight is lifted.

But when so SOOOOOOO much of it is instantaneously removed homage MUST be paid; done happily and dutifully... thank you.