Friday, December 31, 2010

Says it all...

Wednesday, December 29, 2010

hopes up....

I really believe that one of the bigger life lessons I'm supposed to implement this go round is to 'not count my chickens before they're hatched'... To stop getting my hopes up and building a script, a storyline before there is even a foundation. So my current goal is to not get my hopes up. To not get my hopes up that: you really have read my blog in it's entirety and are not too overwhelmed by what you've learned; that you want to be the one whose exception I am; that he has read my blog and understands not only what he's given up but also why he needs to let me move on; that my progress has not begun to slow; that those who say they don't mind honestly do not; that I will reach my goal size by sticking to the routine/regimen that I am currently practicing; that I really do make Him proud...

Monday, December 27, 2010


Even with the traumatic hurdles I've faced I honestly crave (once I feel COMPLETELY safe with you) that angry sex can be one of the hottest, more cathartic ways to agree to disagree, or stop the fight before it goes somewhere it doesn't need to.

However because of certain 'life lessons' I would need to implement a safe word, something that if uttered whispered, or screamed would magically flip the switch to gentle if I needed it. If "Ipo" being my safe word could magically comunicate my need for almost instantaneous reassurance and gentle tenderness no matter what we were sexually engaged in; that would be something I'd seriously put on the table.  But most humans don't have a behavioral switch that can be triggered ALL THE TIME if it's not personally important enough for them.

But in a perfect world...

Saturday, April 3, 2010

I wonder...

How do I know that if I give in now and let my focus shift to  whatever part time work I can manage, contributing what I can; that rejoining the rat race won't inevitably stagnate my recovery for good.  Can anyone guarantee that I'll still get back to 100 percent while I relent from my efforts now and push that toward a job?  If not, it's too big of a risk to me.  I won't chance it.

Friday, April 2, 2010


You shown me the what I've always wanted someone I am into, to feel.  You seem to reciprocate exactly what I've prayed for, what I'd always secretly hoped for.  Someone that I choose, to choose me as well.  I am blessed.

Thursday, April 1, 2010