Wednesday, September 9, 2009

For all the girls labeled "just one of the guys"

I know what you're going through. Trust me. I have been overweight since I was 9; the ongoing battle of the bulge didn't help my plight I'm sure, but I was always the one they talked to about the girls they actually wanted to date. I was the one always hanging out when no females were invited or expected. The one who was kept at arms length by most of the other girls, but called when they needed to track down the guys. I grew up with the most beautiful women (girls then) that Hawaii and California ever produced. There was always someone the boys were interested in, asking about, fantasizing aloud about at nausea and I was there for most of it. Through elementary to college this was my story with a few friends with benefits or one night stands here and there. With all that time spent around guys not ever being looked at like an actual pretty girl, I developed a very young, immature view on dating. I became what I thought guys wanted; the no commitment, leave before they wake up, keep it casual, smart ass. While some of that was also natural defense mechanisms, I mostly thought I was just playing to my strengths, keeping within my wheelhouse so as to not set myself up for heartbreak. I was convinced I was just not the kind of girl a man could fall in love with. Then I had my stroke and with it all my walls and defense mechanisms of the past got swept away completely and forever. I no longer knew how or had the inclination to play the games. There is no more holding back, pretending not to care or settling for less than what I want or deserve. I am brain damaged stroke survivor who walks like lurch and has a left arm and hand that works like the arcade claw machine, with all my old bad habits and still my own brand of crazy. Once I stopped the games and focused on getting myself better I met a man that not only sees all of me but loves it all. If I can find my person, you will too. Be yourself, love yourself and go forward with honesty. Be honest with yourself about what you really want, how you want to be treated, focus and WHO you want to be; be the best version of you that you can and stop worrying about your relationship status. Once you learn to love all of you, someone else will too. I wish you all the love the world has to offer, but please remember... It starts with you.