Monday, January 31, 2011
I thought that since I haven't had to use my wheelchair in a year I'd be okay using it for long distances this weekend. I was wrong. I detest not having the strength and the stimuli blocking skills to walk around this crowded unfamiliar vaca destination as we indulge in a long weekend. When we go shopping I have to ride in my chair, when we explore the city I need to ride in my chair and today as we toured the zoo I needed to ride in my chair. My mother bless her heart is on a mission to push me everywhere, wanting to help but drawing more attention to me than I can handle. I never used to give a shit about what people thought about me, and I don't really now but I CANNOT handle the incessant stares and the attitude that comes when people are delayed even the slightest bit by someone with mobility issues. I had a meltdown today and couldn't help my public tears; something I do my damndest not to have occur. My traveling companions only exacerbated things by wanting to take every trolly, tram or handicap bus we could. They thought it was cool to take advantage of the perks of having a wheelchair in the group but for every special ride they got, I got five extra minutes of intense scrutiny from people watching or waiting, not to mention the grunts and grumbles of the employees having to set me up. On the vehicles you never get close enough to really see any animals so the only thing that was distracting me and making the trip bearable was ripped from me when my preferences were not even acknowledged. I'm not an invalid and do not want to be a burden or obligation so if I must use the damned chair let me do it myself! I felt on display as a freakshow exhibition but invisible as a human. What's worse is that due to my worsening gate I no longer have the option of just sucking it up and walking as much as I can, unsure if it's a physical therapy issue, neurological issue, or surgical issue I have been ordered to take it easy on the walking before the problem becomes greater than any treatment. My leg is literally twisted, turning in from hip to knee, then turning out from knee to ankle causing said ankle to roll; the result: every step feeling like this is the one that is gonna snap my knee. It's hard not to get discouraged.
Saturday, January 29, 2011
I have to gear myself up for any prolonged interactions paying careful attention to my stores of energy. I'm twenty fucking eight and now have the social life of a 92 year old shut in because anything more blurs into major meltdown territory and I can't fathom subjecting my already put out loved ones to any more. One on one mellow time is absolute heaven though, a movie day or low key games just hanging out with one other soul that I am already comfortable with seems to be the perfect balance of social and stimulation boundaries where I'm not alone, possibly lonely and in my own head; but I am also not intrusively barraged on each imaginable level until my control or mask slips and I either ask to prematurely "call it a day" or have what is now coming to be a hideously characteristic flood of tears and what I've come to liken to a valve pressure release breaking down for 15-20 mins and then regrouping. Not only what I consider socially un fuckin acceptable but completely embarrassing and unfair to ask my companions to handle EVERYTIME they feel like having me be part of the group.
I don't know how to work on this, start to control it or anything, all I do know is that this is completely uncharted territory for me and exactly the opposite of who I used to (socially) be. Goddamnit. I can find blessing in this journey or chapter as a whole but am finding difficulty cultivating an appreciation for this particular aspect. Fuck.
Friday, January 28, 2011
Thursday, January 27, 2011
I start today... going beach camping with a bunch of friends for four days then straight to the fambams to watch Mya for a week. I'm exhausted just thinking of it. I take solace in the fact that the beach, any beach is home to me and I am always the most at peace breathing in the salty air, listening to the shore break and sifting sand between my toes. I'll admit though that even with that comforting reminder in hand I'm on the verge of a panic attack... sounds silly huh? Even I see that it's not rational, but there you are. Fingers crossed, I'll let you know how this experiment turns out.
I know it will be hard, I'm not expecting a miracle but I am praying (squeezing ass cheeks actually) that I'll be able to maintain control over my emotional and mental state and not make my family and friends regret inviting/ calling on me...
Wednesday, January 26, 2011
The only reason I have made so much damned progress is because of that mentality, because I am so hard on myself. I'm fully aware that at times it makes my new reality hard for me to cope with but getting comfortable with anything less than a 110% recovery would be harder. This is a part of me that I am most grateful to have not misplaced, it is what allows me to be grateful for this journey and all that is coming with it, it is what keeps me hopeful and ultimately stops me from slitting my wrists at my darkest moments. I just need people to stop trying to beat it out of me with a feather pillow. I fear that if they succeed then that is when I will have lost myself, this battle and when the stroke will truly have broken me.
Monday, January 24, 2011
Sunday, January 23, 2011
I decided to accept an invite to go to Vegas with my friends knowing I had no money. My amazing mother surprised my with some funds before I left and my generous friends were willing to cover me as long as I wanted to go. I am blessed, humbled and blessed. That being said I have recently been weaning myself off of my cane only really using it for three gym now but anticipating a ton of walking I brought it with. My friends were infinitely patient with my slow gate and finding transportation when I was about ready to collapse but I only had one good day/night in me needing to veg out in the hotel room for the remainder of the weekend missing a lot and trying not to dampen the spirits of my friends that were desperately trying to figure out a way for me to rally if it was just about my leg being tired I would have considered letting them rent me a wheelchair, but it was everything. The lights, the smoke, the people, the sounds... Imagine how overstimulated you feel in that environment after a while and multiply it by a hundred I did okay but I still obviously need a lot more work before I can feel confident that I'm enriching the trip for my loved ones and not just making more work for them.
Saturday, January 22, 2011
Thursday, January 20, 2011
Wednesday, January 19, 2011
Tuesday, January 18, 2011
...Are, as of recently; stir-ups should not ever come back into style, if you're not sure that they care, they don't. 1993 called, they want their scrunchies back. Camel toe is not ever acceptable. If vulnerabilities are visible keep it tight and try to put your best foot forward. Though there is an exception to every rule, you're probably not it. Your parents were right, staring is not ever okay. Make sure all in your heart know how deeply they reside and what their respective roles are. Be clear, most times attempting to spare ones feelings ends up hurting them more. You'll drive yourself crazy trying to figure out the motives of others, just take 'em at face value. Can't take yourself too seriously, you'll only get wrinkles. If you can't laugh at yourself first you're got no right laughing at others. You'll never know how much you can handle, or how far you can go if you give up. Just because they love you doesn't mean they get a say. If they didn't ask for your opinion, they probably don't want it. Life's too damned short to love halfway or hold back scared. If they don't like you fuck 'em, just one less Christmas card to send. First impressions are mostly bullshit but gut feelings are always best heeded. Trusting your cynical side is not always a negative thing. It can't always be sunshine and daisies, but you'd better absorb all the joy you can from everything or prepare to grow bitter. Focusing on the negatives or 'what ifs' is utterly draining and an exercise in pure insanity.
Monday, January 17, 2011
Sunday, January 16, 2011
Saturday, January 15, 2011
Thursday, January 13, 2011
Who decided that "settling" when talking about love or relationships almost always comes with negative connotation??? What if it simply means deciding to live your life from that day on, taking your circumstances and running with them. What if "settling" nods to choosing to be happy with what you've got while still reaching for your goals???
Wednesday, January 12, 2011
Tuesday, January 11, 2011
I'm gonna stop looking for love and focus everything in me to finding myself. I am starting to see glimpses of the dynamo I have the potential to become, and am working on how to merge my beloved qualities from pre-stroke Chisa, my current self and the woman I see in my dreams. This is about me getting better, that's all I need to be focused on... Anything else is just unnecessary heartache.
Monday, January 10, 2011
Friday, January 7, 2011
Thursday, January 6, 2011
Tuesday, January 4, 2011
Monday, January 3, 2011
Sunday, January 2, 2011
Saturday, January 1, 2011
Random Chisa fact number 113: I'm overly affectionate... I have determined that my latest bout of the blues is thanks to my self imposed celibacy. I'm now getting back into the dating game but I went from cuddle time
on the regular to none at all and I am lonely. I need affection...