Sunday, November 1, 2009

Hiding Out

I haven't written in a while because, well with my baseline pain level STILL on the rise, my primary care physician treating me like a drug seeker, my insurance taking ridiculously long to approve or what they seem to be doing over and over- rejecting referals to pain management specialists, and nuerologist, needing to use my cane around the house again and wheelchair when out and about, feeling like a burden to the best man I've ever loved, just off the tip of my tounge- not a whole lot of positive to say. I hide out, not wanting to spread my negativitty or let my pity party have an auidience, but I hate when my friends struggle through something alone because they didn't want to bother me; and how is this blog supposed to help anyone really if I only show the positive days? So here it is... I cannot find anything while looking into the mirror that I honestly like about myself anymore. This stroke has blessed me with a honest and consistently improving inner-self, something that I am more grateful for than I can ever explain. The outside, oh the outside though; while I've never been particularly happy with all of me I could at least fake it. I could at least pick out features I liked. When I took the time to get dolled up I felt put together, not like Quasimodo on parade. Nothing feels natural when I move, talk, anything, anymore which is kind of expected once you fall down the rabbit hole; but I didn't think I wouldn't ever feel attractive ever again. Josh tells me, shows me how beautiful he thinks I am ALL THE TIME, I am sixty pounds lighter,and yet I can't look in the mirror to get ready without feeling 'why bother', without feeling like 'you can put all the lipstick you want to on apig but...', without sometimes catching fleeting glance of myself and feeling so overcome with frustration that I wanna tear my face off. Here's the thing though, I don't thinnk it's 100% vanity, I mean sure there's a healthy dose of that in there, but there's also a loss of mojo. A loss of that twinkle in the eye, the ease of self, the individual quality we each have that our personal brand of charm, of allure comes from. I kept thinking it would like everything else improve with time,with work, with prayer... I fear though that like my pain it will just continue to get worse. Oh lord if that happens all I'll have working for me will be my personality...(knock on wood) I'd really be in trouble then. Lol.