Wednesday, November 18, 2009

Distracting Myself

My knee has UUGGGGHHHH given out again and so to thwart any impending irritation and intense pain I am distracting myself by writing this shallow blog about a parallel in my life that I drew from a movie I watched alone last night... Bear with me; I watched Savages and the narrator of the story female lead, O (Ophelia) is in a relationship with two men, two polar opposites; a passionate, peace loving soul and her wounded solider... home after deployment physically amazing and hints of his former deployment self but cold, private and no longer anything but a solider. Peaceful makes sensual, passionate love, and the solider fucks, fucks to reclaim something, to get the dark out of his system... They each give what the other doesn't, allows her to nurture in ways the other can't. Together they are complete, she is the home each of the never had and they were hers and she loved them equally, died and slowly starts to live again.(If you're understandably confused watch the movie, I'm no spoiler!) It dawned on me that I had that in my pre-stroke life, two great loves though I was dating them separately with blurry bouts of juggling. My passionate loving, affectionate man of the earth. The wood to my wounded warriors steal. They had each held my heart completed some parts of me, separately and at times simultaneously when I'd alternate visits. Like O I loved wholly complete in the giving of myself and heart and then I died. That Chisa suffered a severe AVM stroke and a bare bones fixer-upper version survives. I am now leaning to live again all while trying to fight my slowing recovery progress, resolved to getting back to a hundred. I am learning to not only live again but I am learning to truly enjoy my life. I lost all my walls and now cannot pick and choose what parts of myself I show people. They see me 100% all the time, however that may be moment to moment. And through this gut wrenching vulnerability I have found one man that is the counterpart to my symphony of idiosyncrasies and loves as I am now, no pressure to get better but an amazing amount of bolstering and encouragement to reach MY goals of recovery. Most that care have their own idea of what fully recovered Chisa is like, but he only cares about my version, helping me whenever and however I want and, even though it's clearly a battle for him, let's me struggle through it when I want to. All Because I just showed him me with no filters, no editing. I'm living again and love my life. Honestly love my life. I love the challenges I face, the battles I don't know how to fight, the constant intense pain, the long road ahead of me, the lessons I have learned, relearned and will learn. I love my new perception. The new quality in my life, the honesty good and bad, the purge of those I miss and the ones I've forgiven. I love every bit of my slow paced, fixed income, love and laughter overstimulating life. I'm glad I died.