where is that girl?

Sometimes I wish I was still that girl who didn't need anyone, the one who made her own way and you were lucky if you knew what she had planned or where she was off to next.  I was that girl who didn't "believe anything she heard and only half of what she saw", cynical, stubbornly independent and terrified of actual emotional attachment.  I enjoyed you while in your immediate vicinity but could and often did leave at a moments notice with no pangs of loss or backwards glances.  I'm older now, but more importantly this stroke has MADE me, forced me to slow down.  I now need support, assistance; with all my emotional boundaries and defense mechanisms erased I'm too trusting, emotionally starved and have no walls in place.  I am the anti-pre stroke Chisa... where is that girl?  I still don't want a man to hang my hopes, contentment, and half my existence on; I want my man.  Funny that even though he was never mine that's how I have grown to think of him, as my man.

The Weepies - World Spins Madly On [Official Music Video]

new reality..

I always thought that I was meant for greatness that I would make a difference in the world once I reached my full potential and stopped fucking around... now it seems as though my remarkable feat is to get through each damn day.  To not let this new reality break me.  To not let being completely alone for the first time beat me.  To not let the weight of terror crush me.  My progress has slowed but I'm not going to give up.  I am lonely and terrified but I am going to use that as catalyst to keep improving.  All the negatives that threaten to tar me apart in my weakest moments are being harnessed and used as motivation to beat this.  Fuck all of you that think I need a kick in the ass, screw all of you who assume I've gotten lax, bite me if you truly believe that I have lost my fire, my fight.  Guess what... I do all I can every day.  If that means getting up to take care of my cat then pulling the covers back over my head so I'm not soo tempted to slit my wrists or take all my sleep meds then that's all I have in me.  If it's cleaning the living room, or doing some laundry, or taking a walk around my block then that's all I have in me.  If you rely on what you know of me you'd trust that I'm a fighter and have not ever been lazy or dependent on others to do for me, the thought of that has always turned my stomach... so guess what??? When the stakes are higher than ever I don't have it in me to skirt the challenge I simply realize that all the other shit before was like battle training for this.  And once I get past this I will use the strength gained here for my next challenge.  You cannot take that away from me.  You do not see what I go through moment to moment, don't know how challenging and taxing EVERYTHING still is on my brain and body, you won't know cause it's not in me to incessantly whine or show just how vulnerable and damaged I am (maybe it's too much pride) but whatever the case just please learn to trust the me you knew before.  Stop saying that you think I need a 'kick in the ass', I don't.  I'm the only one challenged and embarrassed and overstimulated by EVERYTHING all the damn time.  I live this, not you. Take your assumptions and choke on them.  Each time you tell me you think I need more motivation or for people to be more strict on me it makes my blood boil.  What more motivation can someone else give me?  How much harder can someone else kick me in the ass??  I'm the one who has difficulty with EVERYTHING, I'm the one living this with no escape hatch or pause button, so you tell me since you think you know it all what can anyone else not going through this do to motivate me more??? Bottom line, my motivation lies in me, in my life things won't get better, my quality of life will not improve until I do.  No one knows this more than me.  So just remember that no one is more motivated to push past this completely than I am, no one is more alarmed by my stagnating progress than I am, and NO ONE will ever push me harder than I do myself because where I am now, the current state of things is not more bothersome or worrisome to anyone than it is to me.

grateful...

I've been trying to be grateful that on the heels of the ending of one dream with the man I've been in love with; that there was another one interested.  I knew that nothing was going to come of it because my heart is still his but also because this 'new' guy has never been an option.  Known him for years and have not ever looked at him like that cause there's no attraction and cause on a base level he, well for lack of a more polite phrase, irritates the hell out of me most times.

We have become friends and I admit that it was kind of comforting to have a man want me when the one I tied my heart to didn't.  I attempted to gently rebuff him, not wanting to be a bitch but I guess he's one of those guys that if it's not a harsh no they think they can talk you into a yes.  But shit has hit the fan, and it automatically turns into I think I'm too good for him.  I hate that.  Just because we have no chemistry doesn't mean I'm stuck up.  Oh well serves me right for basking in his attention, no matter how honest I've been from the start.

It doesn't matter how lonely I am, I am not willing to be with just anyone.  I'm not going to project my feelings from the one who rejected me to the next guy who looks my way.  I don't want a relationship with just anyone, I wanted one with the man who holds my heart.  Anyone that catches my eye will start from square one with me.

dreams...

I'm an active advocate of hope.  I want love, true love, the kind that you can sink into.  I love my life right now; would not trade a day of this current journey, no shit.  Hard I can take, I'm not asking for easy... just not soo hard all the time.  Please let me claw my way back from this with my man there to hold me when I cry, and enjoy the morning with. I don't need to be rescued, don't want a ladder, just some company that's mine cause I'd be his.

circumstance

Circumstance forces me to slow, take it all down a notch or so... Such a blessing. Instead of flitting from one moment to the next attempting to pack as much in as possible, I'm gratefully forced to sit back, enjoy and create quality memories rather than a blurry obnoxious montage.  Although if I'm being completely honest I'm still lovably obnoxious more often than not. I'm just a slower moving handful heehee.

I used to bounce almost literally, through life as if it was one long drunken night bar hopping.  Never staying too long in any one place, moment, mood, high; never saying too much or getting too immersed or invested in anything.  But now I am made into as much of a wall flower that my personality will ever allow me to be.  I may have to sit in one place primarily, but I in no way know how to fade into the background.  Of that I am forever proud, and grateful to have gained that much back.

Even more than that I am grateful for the change of pace, my quality of interaction, observation and connection to my surroundings and people in my life has increased exponentially.  I no longer have to be everywhere at once and everything to everyone in my immediate vicinity, just me is enough.  At the most basic level when we go out now I tend to stay where parked and cause a bonafide Chis disturbance ;) in my little splice of the universe.  It's a great thing.

I NEED to be the answer to this prayer for the man who's mine...