Coming Clean: video post 5

Bamboozled

Every new adjustment we need to implement, devices I need to start using again, all feel like failure.  I know it's not; and miraculously the love of my life knows it's not as well.  I however find myself deeply panicked... I told him I was going to get better, I do not have it in me to quit and I'll fight for 110% EVERYDAY, until my last moment, but am I being unfair to the man that loves me but signed up for a progressing partner?  He tells me that I'm the only one that has a problem with the things I cannot do again (yet), but I can't ignore the fact that since we've been together my mobility has decreased.  The way I was pushing my body would have caused it regardless, but miraculously I have someone willing, more, wanting to be the one who helps me do what I cannot yet.  There are soooooooo many not as fortunate as I find myself, I am more grateful and appreciative than you'll ever know but I need to regain my forward momentum so he can have the love he deserves as well.  I fear my love may have been accidentally bamboozled.

Unbalanced

My prescription has lapsed, due to my mobility issues and unreliable transportation from others I was blessed with prescription delivery.  It is an amazing service but for some reason I have been off my meds since Friday waiting for my refills.  I know actually KNOW that all of this emotional upheaval and dizzy spells stem from my chemical imbalance but do you have any idea what it's like to know why you're feeling crazy but still have to FIGHT OFF doing something rash because you feel that fucking crazy??!?!!? I can't sit up or walk without it being dangerous because of the lightning storms going on through my body and they make me soooooooo dizzy that I fall. At the moment I'm waiting with baited breath for the knock on my door letting me know that sanity through pill has arrived.

loved...

I have what I'd been yearning for, in a package I'd never expected. I have had almost a week without my efexor (anti-depressant) an unfortunate timing accident with my pharmacy and literally reached BAT SHIT CRAZY. Knowing I was being insane, but without any tools to control it, couldn't do a damn thing but try to ride it all out; which was terrifying enough to cause panick attacks.... Whhhaaa I know... gimmie a chance... it was just what I've been needing; to have someone, a love to hold me (physicaly at times and metaphorically) because he wanted/ needed to make what he could, better. Not out of pity, but simply because he loves- me in particular. No judgement, just taking care, with a empathy and gentle touch I'd always run from. Who would've thought that opening up to the right guy ang exposing your vulnerability to someone who loves YOU; not the way you make them feel about themselves, not the way they feel when they're with you;but you just for you; beautiful, damaged,and scary at times. I'm loved by soneone who enjoys my need to unleash all the love I feel for him, and recipriocates in turn without smothering. It's miraculous with just enough gritty to make it the real deal, a game changer. Thank you, my fight does not seem so daungting; to face life while fighting for it seems like an amazing blessed phase of my journey now having completed my support system (fambam and TRUE friends). I was always gratefu, just not so overwhelmed now. The moral of the story? Let people help. No matter how hard it is for you,let people help. No matter how terrifying it is for you, let people help. No matter if you're worried they'll get tired of doing so, let people help. Please try, it's just what you need no matter how unsettling it may feel, it's what you need. Everyove needs help with something; so help and allow yourself to accept help offered freely and with love or respect.

Food for Thought

Sometimes we have to be broken into nothing in order to truly find ourselves; finding strength to ke... - http://pinterest.com/pin/A1MXYQAQgGUDk8MfIm4AAAA/?s=3&m=blogger

Peace With Myself...

I've been lax lately with my work out regimen, yes I am more sore and yes, I'm CONSTANTLY over stimulated but I can push myself more. I just haven't had the "drill Sgt. Bush", grit your teeth and push through EVERYTHING energy or focus. I don't know if I'm recharging myself, or allowing stagnation to consume me like quicksand... How does one find the balance? I can only figure that as long as I can look myself in the mirror and not automatically self chastise, I'm good. Hopefully. It's naive to think I would be able to maintain that pace through everything. In the end I am the only one (other than God and the universe) really paying attention. I had better do what I need to to make peace with myself. At least we know one thing for sure; letting go of the notion that full recovery was recognized- in part by reclaiming the mentality and notions of my pre-stroke self is one of the biggest, most significant of my recent gains. I find my view of myself incessantly shifting. The value ultimately stays the same but perspective, focus and plan of attack are very fluid ideas, I actually think it’s a healthier mind set... more of an acceptance of what is rather than faking the funk until you lose sight of reality and half-ass convince yourself that you've actually done the work to change in the ways you'd like. Cynicism seems to be in the forecast for today so I'd better cut this one short before it leaks onto those that have to deal with me in real life.

Coming Clean video post #6