Saturday, October 31, 2009
Friday, October 30, 2009
Tuesday, October 20, 2009
Monday, October 19, 2009
Sunday, October 18, 2009
Saturday, October 17, 2009
Friday, October 16, 2009
Thursday, October 15, 2009
leads you to a video of a neurosurgeon repairing a bleed the same size as mine, only mine was located down DEEP in my right hemisphere (where your musicality, rhyming and melodic functions are housed). I've now watched this quite a few times now with a better understanding of what my family and closest friends went through...
Wednesday, October 14, 2009
Tuesday, October 13, 2009
I think I finally figured out why I get so bent out of shape every time a new acquaintance is COMPLETELY shocked and utterly amazed by the fact that Josh and I not only met but fell in love two years into my stroke recovery... The strongest reactions always come from other men. They seem astonished, appalled or stunned; eventually coming to "That's a GREEAAT man you have." With the bewildered head shake. (Don't get me wrong I KNOW I'm THE LUCKIEST bitch on the planet. I pray with gratitude in my heart multiple times daily for our love alone) What I take away from this -and the fact that this is always the reaction I get- is that they don't believe that they nor any of the men they currently know would have ever considered a relationship with someone like me even an option. Maybe I interpret it that way because that's what I believed before, and somewhere deep it's still terrifying me. The thought that (knock on wood) if anything should happen between my incredible Josh and I, that'd be it... No more chances at reciprocated love, I mean after all I couldn't find that pre-stroke, what are the odds it would happen twice post stroke?
Then I realized that all of the people making the daily difference, the ones actively participating in my life and have me as a part of theirs are nearly all people I have bonded with after I had my stroke. You have something valuable, that's why you're still here, people are out there that love you, miss you and want to be a part of your journey... Stay strong, they will find you.
#caregiver #blessed #heseesme #hesmymiracle #perfectforme #loveafterstroke #lifeafterstroke #lovehasnolabels #lovehasnocolor #lovehasnorace #lovehasnodisability #iaminlove
Monday, October 12, 2009
My smile may be crooked now, but it is more frequent then it's ever been, full of love and gratitude, and for anyone who may need one. #happygirl #happinessisachoice #itsallaboutperspective #youchooseyourday #lifeiswhatyoumakeit #lifedoesnotstopforyourstruggle #lifeafterstroke
Sunday, October 11, 2009
Be brave enough to share the embarrassing, the failings, the frustrations the ugly, the honest... It's these named truths that will help someone else.
Saturday, October 10, 2009
#TBIaffectedme I remember after my crainiotomy in 2010 my older sister told me that I had a stroke, the doctor drained 200ml of blood from my skull, and because I waited so long I had lost all function and sensation of my left side head to toe, but if I worked quickly and really really hard I may get some of it back. I responded with "How do I start?" Our doctors and therapists can point us in the right direction, our family, friends and caregivers can assist us with logistics, support, and those obstacles we have yet to reclaim again; but NO ONE can recover for you. No one else can make you better. No one else can tell you how to make new neurological connections so you can move your finger, smile, wiggle toes. No one can teach you how to deal with the overstimulation, find your left hand again, normalize the sound of your laugh again, unslur your speech, communicate your COMPLETELY DIFFERENT perspective on EVERYTHING. I relearned how to walk, talk effectively, sing and enjoy life again with an army of loving supporters at my side, I met and hooked the love of my life and even with all that help I can confidently say that I saved myself, with help. #happygirl #happinessisachoice #strengthcomesinallforms #strokesurvivor #avmstrokesurvivor #loveafterstroke #lifeiswhatyoumakeit #lifeafterstroke #blessed #beautyinthepain #givingupisnotanoption #begrateful #Kindcampaign #takenothingforgranted #tbiaffectedme #loveafterstroke #lovehasnodisability #lovehasnorace #lovehasnolabels
Friday, October 9, 2009
Thursday, October 8, 2009
I NEED to make a giant print of this... It is true though- it is our scars, our triumphs and our lessons that make us unique. It's all that gives us our true beauty, the ability to live and love more passionately and more freely because of all the hard.
Wednesday, October 7, 2009
I lie here breathing you in, trying not to disrupt time or the fates... If I can keep this under the radar no one will see the mistake. No one will see that I'm not good enough for you, and that I do not deserve any part of this healthy, nurturing family we've created.
Tuesday, October 6, 2009
This is what #smilingthroughthepain actually looks like when it's off the charts, not very pretty, I know. This is however more often than not the reality of those suffering from #chronicpain; in my case it's #neuropathy which gets worse with heightened emotions, happy or sad, physical activity, any kind of intense focus (like filling out forms, reading, brain games or socializing). It's hard dealing with an #invisibleillness because people often don't understand or because there are no tangible signs, no visible cues there's nothing other than your grimace to show them what you are going through moment to moment. I'm blessed to have a caregiver who worked in hospitals for over a decade before we met, he often sees my limit of stimulation for the day coming before I process just how fragmented my thinking has become. Before him I would push until I dropped, which would leave me bedridden for about a week on average. One day of full steam for a week of suffering, not a very productive trade off and not conducive for healing an extremely injured brain. I'm still trying to learn my base line- what I can expect to bee able to do everyday without any kind of crash- but you'd be surprised how hard it is to slow to a pace that can allow you to stay conscious of your weaning mental energy... Or it could be that I'm having a rough time recognizing and deferring to the signs my body gives me when I'm pushing it. Food for thought...I'll keep you posted 😉
Monday, October 5, 2009
Funny, I used to say this EXACT thing for years and the universe answered. After becoming an#avmstrokesurvivor and the reality of how much my #tbiaffectedme I realized that I had indeed been given a second chance, reset had been pushed for me and now I am #grateful to be so #blessed to use my recovery to#spreadlove #spreadkindness#spreadknowledge and hopefully clarify some gray areas or common misconceptions about#chronicpain #invisibleillness and become a#strokeembassador and hopefully one day#motivationalspeaking. If I can show one person that #happinessisachoice and#itsallaboutperspective while making you aware that #youarenotalone, #youareincredible#youwillgetthroughthis and #givingupisnotanoption I will consider my journey successful.#lifedoesnotstopforyourstruggle but#strengthcomesinallforms. If you ever feel like there's no one to turn to, please don't hesitate to #callonme
Sunday, October 4, 2009
Is true, we are not ever given more than we can handle. When things seem at their most overwhelming or desperate I challenge you to change your location, listen to a song, do something to take you out of that mindset and shift your perspective back to a direction that's productive for you. #youwillgetthroughthis #youareincredible #youarenotalone #youchooseyourday #youteachothershowtotreatyou #bebrave know that there will always be#beautyinthepain as long as you #staytruetoyourself, #strengthcomesinallforms and anyone suffering#chronicpain and/or an #invisibleillness. I know it can be especially hard trying to show gratitude for the help you get but what about when the 'help' is only making them more at ease and it's only adding to your symptoms..#begrateful and #bekind but overall know that you are the only one that can get you better. You are the one learning how to deal with how#tbiaffectedme and they honestly cannot fathom just how much your life has changed so please try to#practicepatience with your #caregiver they're doing their best. #weareinthistogether #imhereifyouneedtotalk #givingupisnotanoption #giveeachday100 #motivation #inspiration #iamawarrior #naali #nomorestroke #strokeembassador #strokeawarenessmonth#strokesurvivor #AVMstrokesurvivor #blessed#payingitforward #youhavehelpifyoubutask.
Saturday, October 3, 2009
In all seriousness looking back on pre-stroke Chisa, I often wonder why people hung out with me, I was a mess; always manic had to be something to everyone. I gave a lot at first and then focused on you so you wouldn't think to try to dig deeper. I was so insecure that if we were out, I was the out of hand drunk. Funny, but out of hand because if I didn't direct their attention to what I'm comfortable with, they may get a look at something supposed to be hidden. The deeper I look the more I can see that #tbiaffectedme and #survivinganAVMstroke was the best thing that ever happened to me. It really is a #blessing I got a much needed shift in perspective, and saw how EVERYTHING was being taken for granted. Humbled me, I know now it's about the quality of moments and bonds, not the quantity. I'm no longer afraid of missing anything, because I now know I'm always #exactlywhereimsupposedtobe #yourvibeattractsyourtribe #youchooseyourday #youteachothershowtotreatyou #bettruetoyourself #bekind #bekindtoyourself #dontsettleforless #knowyourworth #loveyourselffirst #begrateful #learnyourlesson&move4ward #bethechange #beingthechangeIwanttosee
Friday, October 2, 2009
I got tagged in an IG writers challenge what you see is my very first creative writing attempt since having my stroke. My brain feels tired and fuzzy from the effort, and I LOVE it!
The more I dissect who I was before my stroke, the more and more grateful I become that it happened. I have grown and blossomed into a person that I didn't know I could be. I am proud of who I am now and the perspective I have gained as a survivor.
Thursday, October 1, 2009
Plum tuckered after a wonderful afternoon catching up with some quality (really close) friends, trying not get disappointed that I couldn't even last till the end of the game. What's worse is that my amazing love @jpeuker made a special trip to bring me home, help me get settled, assured me that he's happy to be the one who sees this, who I show all that I am, think and feel. It's a comfort I never knew I needed, so now I'm going to research how to quickly regain the ability to filter out unnecessary distractions, with an ultimate goal of putting together a plan of action to regain control over my mental endurance. However this is a long month of #brainfog #overstimulation #chronic pain #insurance referral issues and most devastating, the passing of my beloved AuntyP... So this shot, this picture is not a cry out for help or fishing for compliments, I promised to document all aspects of my recovery process; the triumphant, bad, and pathetically burnt out. I can't even really keep myself on topic as I write this, hopefully I won't need to edit too much later on. When you have survived a TBI (Traumatic Brain Injury) one of the first things you notice is just how much you used to subconsciously filter out 90% of distracting things going on around you so you don't go crazy with all that inundated stimulation coming at you in every possible direction. It in all seriousness, feels like a full on attack. Best part is that overstimulation exacerbates #brainfog #mushybrain #spasticity #neuropathy and any other #chronicpain. This is a bitter sweet moment caught here, I'm grateful that I got some much needed time with some of my faves, but try as I might, I still had to have my love bring me home early. Learning to listen to my body, but how long until it's unfair for those that love me and are putting in more effort than I can....I'm always doing my best to keep in touch as often as possible. I'm just scared that you all will have gotten sick of the lopsided scale. But if you can, please try to remember that I love and care for you, and am honestly doing the best I can. As the pic shows I'm exhausted. Love you, have sweet dreams loves! #longdaysmakemybrainfuzzy