Coming Clean Video Post 13

anniversary

Today marks my two year anniversary with the love of my life. He fell ill with flu, and so on our two year marker I got to spend a great day relaxing and taking care of the one person who has taken the best care of me since he first set eyes on me. I do feel guilty for reaping any benefits while he runs a fever, but it feels almost full circle to have our roles switched on a poignant day... Seems a bit, hmmm poetic. I hit my four year anniversary of the stroke I survived- and that blindsided me with a downward emotional spiral; one the likes of which I was not at all prepared for or even understood fully until I took an objective step back on February 24,2014. Bottom line, I may not be where I hoped I'd be by now, or look at all as I had ever imagined but I am also happier, more challenged, and more loved than I ever thought was possible. I am truly blessed. Even more than you know because that love,support and care come not only from Josh but my friends and famly as well. I worry though, I worry about any I hurt in the past, those that didn't make it this far in my journey of recovery, and mostly the ones who I couldn't articulate rule changes to before it was too late. I know now, and am- I think, finally making peace with the 'harder than you'd think it'd be to accept' reality that the fully recovered Chisa will not be the same as pre-stroke Chisa... not just physicaly, but on every aspect of who I am. Maybe not all big changes, changes none the less and sometimes the most seemingly innocuous variation causes the most effect to the 'big picture'.

Webcam video from March 11, 2014 2:53 PM Coming Clean Post 13

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Hiding Out

I haven't written in a while because, well with my baseline pain level STILL on the rise, my primary care physician treating me like a drug seeker, my insurance taking ridiculously long to approve or what they seem to be doing over and over- rejecting referals to pain management specialists, and nuerologist, needing to use my cane around the house again and wheelchair when out and about, feeling like a burden to the best man I've ever loved, just off the tip of my tounge- not a whole lot of positive to say. I hide out, not wanting to spread my negativitty or let my pity party have an auidience, but I hate when my friends struggle through something alone because they didn't want to bother me; and how is this blog supposed to help anyone really if I only show the positive days? So here it is... I cannot find anything while looking into the mirror that I honestly like about myself anymore. This stroke has blessed me with a honest and consistently improving inner-self, something that I am more grateful for than I can ever explain. The outside, oh the outside though; while I've never been particularly happy with all of me I could at least fake it. I could at least pick out features I liked. When I took the time to get dolled up I felt put together, not like Quasimodo on parade. Nothing feels natural when I move, talk, anything, anymore which is kind of expected once you fall down the rabbit hole; but I didn't think I wouldn't ever feel attractive ever again. Josh tells me, shows me how beautiful he thinks I am ALL THE TIME, I am sixty pounds lighter,and yet I can't look in the mirror to get ready without feeling 'why bother', without feeling like 'you can put all the lipstick you want to on apig but...', without sometimes catching fleeting glance of myself and feeling so overcome with frustration that I wanna tear my face off. Here's the thing though, I don't thinnk it's 100% vanity, I mean sure there's a healthy dose of that in there, but there's also a loss of mojo. A loss of that twinkle in the eye, the ease of self, the individual quality we each have that our personal brand of charm, of allure comes from. I kept thinking it would like everything else improve with time,with work, with prayer... I fear though that like my pain it will just continue to get worse. Oh lord if that happens all I'll have working for me will be my personality...(knock on wood) I'd really be in trouble then. Lol.

Miracles happen everyday!

Oooooooh Holy happy dance, I have an appointment for an evaluation with the nurse for the Easter Seals TBI recovery program!!!

Couldn't have said it better

the point?

I know it's not my job to understand or justify Gods plan for me but I for the life of me CANNOT see the FUCKING POINT in having me learn to sit up, speak to be understood and walk again if the work to get it back actually takes the skill away again? Haha guess the joke's on me. I know how to keep everything in perspective when the cause and effect make sense; but I do not know how to be this person. This woman back in her wheelchair for Lord knows how long, and dirty truth, cannot really navigate a productive day completely on her own yet. Yeah yeah yeah it's just a bad day, things will get better once your MRIs are done, once you start the TBI program, look at the upside... TRUST I GET IT. I'm doing my best, I just don't look into the mirror and see anything familiar anymore. Besides my friends and family, besides my love and two fur babies I can no longer find anything I like when I look in the mirror.