#Unpretty

This is what #smilingthroughthepain actually looks like when it's off the charts, not very pretty, I know. This is however more often than not the reality of those suffering from #chronicpain; in my case it's #neuropathy which gets worse with heightened emotions, happy or sad, physical activity, any kind of intense focus (like filling out forms, reading, brain games or socializing). It's hard dealing with an #invisibleillness because people often don't understand or because there are no tangible signs, no visible cues there's nothing other than your grimace to show them what you are going through moment to moment.  I'm blessed to have a caregiver who worked in hospitals for over a decade before we met, he often sees my limit of stimulation for the day coming before I process just how fragmented my thinking has become. Before him I would push until I dropped, which would leave me bedridden for about a week on average.  One day of full steam for a week of suffering, not a very productive trade off and not conducive for healing an extremely injured brain. I'm still trying to learn my base line- what I can expect to bee able to do everyday without any kind of crash- but you'd be surprised how hard it is to slow to a pace that can allow you to stay conscious of your weaning mental energy... Or it could be that I'm having a rough time recognizing and deferring to the signs my body gives me when I'm pushing it. Food for thought...I'll keep you posted 😉

Reset

Funny, I used to say this EXACT thing for years and the universe answered. After becoming an‪#‎avmstrokesurvivor‬ and the reality of how much my ‪#‎tbiaffectedme‬ I realized that I had indeed been given a second chance, reset had been pushed for me and now I am ‪#‎grateful‬ to be so ‪#‎blessed‬ to use my recovery to‪#‎spreadlove‬ ‪#‎spreadkindness‬‪#‎spreadknowledge‬ and hopefully clarify some gray areas or common misconceptions about‪#‎chronicpain‬ ‪#‎invisibleillness‬ and become a‪#‎strokeembassador‬ and hopefully one day‪#‎motivationalspeaking‬. If I can show one person that ‪#‎happinessisachoice‬ and‪#‎itsallaboutperspective‬ while making you aware that ‪#‎youarenotalone‬, ‪#‎youareincredible‬‪#‎youwillgetthroughthis‬ and ‪#‎givingupisnotanoption‬ I will consider my journey successful.‪#‎lifedoesnotstopforyourstruggle‬ but‪#‎strengthcomesinallforms‬. If you ever feel like there's no one to turn to, please don't hesitate to ‪#‎callonme

What doesn't kill you makes you stronger

Is true, we are not ever given more than we can handle. When things seem at their most overwhelming or desperate I challenge you to change your location, listen to a song, do something to take you out of that mindset and shift your perspective back to a direction that's productive for you. ‪#‎youwillgetthroughthis‬‪ #‎youareincredible‬ ‪#‎youarenotalone‬‪ #‎youchooseyourday‬ ‪#‎youteachothershowtotreatyou‬‪ #‎bebrave‬ know that there will always be‪#‎beautyinthepain‬ as long as you ‪#‎staytruetoyourself‬,‪ #‎strengthcomesinallforms‬ and anyone suffering‪#‎chronicpain‬ and/or an ‪#‎invisibleillness‬. I know it can be especially hard trying to show gratitude for the help you get but what about when the 'help' is only making them more at ease and it's only adding to your symptoms..‪#‎begrateful‬ and ‪#‎bekind‬ but overall know that you are the only one that can get you better. You are the one learning how to deal with how‪#‎tbiaffectedme‬ and they honestly cannot fathom just how much your life has changed so please try to‪#‎practicepatience‬ with your ‪#‎caregiver‬ they're doing their best. ‪#‎weareinthistogether‬‪ #‎imhereifyouneedtotalk‬ ‪#‎givingupisnotanoption‬‪ #‎giveeachday100‬ #‎motivation‬ ‪ #‎inspiration‬‪ #‎iamawarrior‬ ‪ #‎naali‬ ‪ #‎nomorestroke‬‪ #‎strokeembassador‬ ‪ #‎strokeawarenessmonth‬‪#‎strokesurvivor‬ ‪#‎AVMstrokesurvivor‬ ‪#‎blessed‬#payingitforward #youhavehelpifyoubutask.

Influence

In all seriousness looking back on pre-stroke Chisa, I often wonder why people hung out with me, I was a mess; always manic had to be something to everyone. I gave a lot at first and then focused on you so you wouldn't think to try to dig deeper. I was so insecure that if we were out, I was the out of hand drunk. Funny, but out of hand because if I didn't direct their attention to what I'm comfortable with, they may get a look at something supposed to be hidden. The deeper I look the more I can see that #tbiaffectedme and #survivinganAVMstroke‬ was the best thing that ever happened to me. It really is a ‪#‎blessing‬ I got a much needed shift in perspective, and saw how EVERYTHING was being taken for granted. Humbled me, I know now it's about the quality of moments and bonds, not the quantity. I'm no longer afraid of missing anything, because I now know I'm always ‪#‎exactlywhereimsupposedtobe‬  ‪#‎yourvibeattractsyourtribe‬‪ #‎youchooseyourday‬  ‪#‎youteachothershowtotreatyou‬  ‪#‎bettruetoyourself‬ ‪#‎bekind‬‪ #‎bekindtoyourself‬ ‪#‎dontsettleforless‬‪ #‎knowyourworth‬ ‪#‎loveyourselffirst‬ #begrateful #learnyourlesson&move4ward #bethechange #beingthechangeIwanttosee

My first attempt at poetry since the stroke

I got tagged in an IG writers challenge what you see is my very first creative writing attempt since having my stroke. My brain feels tired and fuzzy from the effort, and I LOVE it!

Me vs me

The more I dissect who I was before my stroke, the more and more grateful I become that it happened. I have grown and blossomed into a person that I didn't know I could be. I am proud of who I am now and the perspective I have gained as a survivor.

Endurance

Plum tuckered after a wonderful afternoon catching up with some quality (really close) friends, trying not get disappointed that I couldn't even last till the end of the game. What's worse is that my amazing love @jpeuker made a special trip to bring me home, help me get settled, assured me that he's happy to be the one who sees this, who I show all that I am, think and feel. It's a comfort I never knew I needed, so now I'm going to research how to quickly regain the ability to filter out unnecessary distractions, with an ultimate goal of putting together a plan of action to regain control over my mental endurance. However this is a long month of #brainfog #overstimulation #chronic pain #insurance referral issues and most devastating, the passing of my beloved AuntyP... So this shot, this picture is not a cry out for help or fishing for compliments, I promised to document all aspects of my recovery process; the triumphant, bad, and pathetically burnt out. I can't even really keep myself on topic as I write this, hopefully I won't need to edit too much later on. When you have survived a TBI (Traumatic Brain Injury) one of the first things you notice is just how much you used to subconsciously filter out 90% of distracting things going on around you so you don't go crazy with all that inundated stimulation coming at you in every possible direction.  It in all seriousness, feels like a full on attack.  Best part is that overstimulation exacerbates #brainfog #mushybrain #spasticity #neuropathy and any other #chronicpain.  This is a bitter sweet moment caught here, I'm grateful that I got some much needed time with some of my faves, but try as I might, I still had to have my love bring me home early. Learning to listen to my body, but how long until it's unfair for those that love me and are putting in more effort than I can....I'm always doing my best to keep in touch as often as possible. I'm just scared that you all will have gotten sick of the lopsided scale. But if you can, please try to remember that I love and care for you, and am honestly doing the best I can. As the pic shows I'm exhausted. Love you, have sweet dreams loves! #longdaysmakemybrainfuzzy