Wednesday, March 30, 2011
Sunday, March 20, 2011
sitting at robins
even though new options may not come to fruition right now just knowing I have another option now essentially levels the playing field... my spirit is so much more at rest, maybe I'll finally be able to get some sleep. One can only hope...
Saturday, March 19, 2011
Baby Steps...
I remember being in the hospital and completely unaware that I had a non-functioning left side. Nurses would ask constantly "where's you left hand?" and without fail I would answer with the location of my right, feeling like normal as though the only thing wrong was that my brain seemed to be a bit mushy
(like trying to navigate through a dense, murky fog). Instead of the 'phantom limb' phenomenon that often plagues amputees my subconcious defense mechanism was to block out the entire effected side making me think, feel and believe (until reminded) that my functioning right half was a complete body.
Once I got to acute rehab and in a wheelchair and days full of occupational, speech and physical therapy (think of it as a recovery boot-camp) I often forgot my left hand and with no sensation did not even realize it was there until it knocked over something, got trapped under me or stuck and crunched in the spokes of my wheelchair. My therapists went as far as to equip me with a lap tray attached to my wheelchair and tape a rolled up towel to the top of it that I was to rest my endangered limb on to help. Sadly enough while attempting to navigate or think of something other than my new task of maintaining eye contact with poor lefty I would often hear shouts in passing "where's your hand Chis?", "I can't see lefty so I KNOW you can't"; or just have a perceptive passerby pick up my arm themselves and take it out of harms way. Thank you.
Now a little over a year into my recovery I still sporadically need the use of my wheelchair and while I no longer need the lap tray or forget about my still struggling appendages I attempted to man my wheelchair using both my hands instead of propelling with my right hand and steering with my right foot; not ready for that AT ALL. lol, While I have some sensation back in my left side it is no where near 100% and without staring at my hand to make sure each grab and push was executed safely it is still more likely that I'll just get my hand crunched in the spokes of my damned wheelchair. True story. Last week I went to Trader Joe's with my mom and due to an uncooperative knee needed to use my wheelchair for the expedition. And this was when I decided to see if I could work my left hand and arm while my lower half was sulking and the only difference between then and now is that when my hand gets stuck in my wheelchair I now feel the damage I am unconsciously causing. It was hilarious, hand caught, wheelchair not moving because of the stuck digits and me hysterically laughing while simultaneously howling in pain; and my 4'10" Filipino mother scrambling trying to help while also valiantly attempting yet beautifully failing at trying not to laugh. Needless to say we put on quite a show and I maintain my belief that, that alone was the reason why the staff and customers alike were soo friendly and proactive in assisting us during that particular excursion.
Now I could let myself get discouraged because after a year I still cannot do something as simple as utilize a wheelchair the way it's traditionally designed to be used but that's exhausting and counter productive, so instead I embrace the laughter, appreciate the hilarity of the moment of discovery and recognize the baby steps I am still making.
(like trying to navigate through a dense, murky fog). Instead of the 'phantom limb' phenomenon that often plagues amputees my subconcious defense mechanism was to block out the entire effected side making me think, feel and believe (until reminded) that my functioning right half was a complete body.
Once I got to acute rehab and in a wheelchair and days full of occupational, speech and physical therapy (think of it as a recovery boot-camp) I often forgot my left hand and with no sensation did not even realize it was there until it knocked over something, got trapped under me or stuck and crunched in the spokes of my wheelchair. My therapists went as far as to equip me with a lap tray attached to my wheelchair and tape a rolled up towel to the top of it that I was to rest my endangered limb on to help. Sadly enough while attempting to navigate or think of something other than my new task of maintaining eye contact with poor lefty I would often hear shouts in passing "where's your hand Chis?", "I can't see lefty so I KNOW you can't"; or just have a perceptive passerby pick up my arm themselves and take it out of harms way. Thank you.
Now a little over a year into my recovery I still sporadically need the use of my wheelchair and while I no longer need the lap tray or forget about my still struggling appendages I attempted to man my wheelchair using both my hands instead of propelling with my right hand and steering with my right foot; not ready for that AT ALL. lol, While I have some sensation back in my left side it is no where near 100% and without staring at my hand to make sure each grab and push was executed safely it is still more likely that I'll just get my hand crunched in the spokes of my damned wheelchair. True story. Last week I went to Trader Joe's with my mom and due to an uncooperative knee needed to use my wheelchair for the expedition. And this was when I decided to see if I could work my left hand and arm while my lower half was sulking and the only difference between then and now is that when my hand gets stuck in my wheelchair I now feel the damage I am unconsciously causing. It was hilarious, hand caught, wheelchair not moving because of the stuck digits and me hysterically laughing while simultaneously howling in pain; and my 4'10" Filipino mother scrambling trying to help while also valiantly attempting yet beautifully failing at trying not to laugh. Needless to say we put on quite a show and I maintain my belief that, that alone was the reason why the staff and customers alike were soo friendly and proactive in assisting us during that particular excursion.
Now I could let myself get discouraged because after a year I still cannot do something as simple as utilize a wheelchair the way it's traditionally designed to be used but that's exhausting and counter productive, so instead I embrace the laughter, appreciate the hilarity of the moment of discovery and recognize the baby steps I am still making.
Friday, March 18, 2011
Bad Day
Here I am about to be 28 needing to move out because the obligations that come with having me here have become too much for the friend first in line to help out. I now am blessed to have two sets of friends willing to let me move in one offers as long as I need (but I know there will be an eventual expiration date) and the others aren't looking to stay where they are through the upcoming winter... the biggest consideration I need to contemplate is being solely dependent on one couple or being dependent on another while still having my mom 20 minutes away for another few months, either way I'm dependent on EVERYONE else, they can still get, and understandably so, tired of meeting my needs.
I was compulsively independent for 26 years and now.... now I am humbled, blessed, grateful and... done. I'm fuckin done being the white elephant in the room everyone avoids talking about I cannot will not do this, alienate anymore loved ones. Being a young stroke survivor, telling my story, SURVIVING is not fucking worth it if at the end of EVERY SINGLE DAY at my heart of hearts I have to feel worthless, indebted, like a plague or unnecessary expense. What's the use? Who benefits? NO ONE. The number of those concerned loved ones will continue to dwindle, so who am I suffering for? Why post pone the inevitable? Why did I get through that? So I can die alone having exasperated the patience, stores of love and sheer energy of everyone I hold dear? You can say all you want that anyone worth having in my life won't mind, but at the end of the day everyone has a limit. Obligations get old it's human nature... it's inevitable. Lots of things are.
I was compulsively independent for 26 years and now.... now I am humbled, blessed, grateful and... done. I'm fuckin done being the white elephant in the room everyone avoids talking about I cannot will not do this, alienate anymore loved ones. Being a young stroke survivor, telling my story, SURVIVING is not fucking worth it if at the end of EVERY SINGLE DAY at my heart of hearts I have to feel worthless, indebted, like a plague or unnecessary expense. What's the use? Who benefits? NO ONE. The number of those concerned loved ones will continue to dwindle, so who am I suffering for? Why post pone the inevitable? Why did I get through that? So I can die alone having exasperated the patience, stores of love and sheer energy of everyone I hold dear? You can say all you want that anyone worth having in my life won't mind, but at the end of the day everyone has a limit. Obligations get old it's human nature... it's inevitable. Lots of things are.
Wednesday, March 2, 2011
Sex Number...
I know I'm crazy, I mean you can't not know... it's like "not knowing your own fuck number", you can't be a grown up and not be aware of certain seemingly ingrained personality quirks.
That being said, just because I'm aware of it DOES NOT (no matter how much I wish it); DOES NOT mean I'll be able to rectify or even abate such things instantaneously, or to be fair, even gradually it seems in some cases...
TO BE CONTINUED...
That being said, just because I'm aware of it DOES NOT (no matter how much I wish it); DOES NOT mean I'll be able to rectify or even abate such things instantaneously, or to be fair, even gradually it seems in some cases...
TO BE CONTINUED...
Tuesday, March 1, 2011
Katt Williams is a genius... (April 22nd continued)
watching the first 'Sex and the City" movie with Geeg... and it never works out like that so at what point do we stop hoping to be' the exception' but accecpt that we are (like soo many more that have gone before us) simply just 'the rule'
Change yourself to change what you want about your life... simple yet sooo hard to implement.
Change yourself to change what you want about your life... simple yet sooo hard to implement.
Monday, February 28, 2011
trying my best
It comes in waves; the manic productivity, the Pollyanna- nothing can break my smile and now the crushing loneliness. I have an amazing set of friends that want to joke me out of this part of the cycle and if we catch it in the beginning it works, but not now not when I'm soo far into it that for the past week it has taken EVERYTHING in me to get up and feed my cat, get myself clean before and after the gym and concentrate on my workout (the one productive thing that this suffocating fear, despair will let up enough for me to attempt). They want to help but how do you tell them that being around a bunch of people that want to make it better so much it forces you to fake it just makes it worse? No one understands this, I don't expect you to but the only thing right now that won't make me feel MORE alone is not surrounding myself with well meaning friends who have their counterparts within arms reach; it is that one man who can hold me and say I don't know if things are gonna be okay, I don't know if you'll gt back to 100% again but I will love you now and to the end no matter if this is as good as you get. Short of that I pull myself out the only way I know how... sheer determination.
It's been a year I know the cycles, I have tried letting my friends try to help and it took all my strength not to hit the 'reset' button on this lifetime so I know that I have to let myself feel this ride most of it out so I'm actually dealing with the good and bad of this seemingly never ending experience but I also know when to grit my teeth and RIP myself out of it, painful as it always is. But it's been a week, a week in which 3 clean loads of laundry occupy the empty 2/3 of my bed that he won't. A week that I have panted my way through daily grueling workouts trying to punish myself more than the loneliness more than my heartache does so maybe I can feel something else at the forefront of the pack. A week that my cat has not left my side because she knows somethings up, a week that the only time- literally the only time I can get out of bed is to punish myself at the gym then when I get home after my shower I get directly the fuck back in bed next to my clean laundry that I can't seem to muster the energy up to put away.
The funny fuckin thing... I'm not feeling sorry for myself, I don't begrudge this chapter even now while I try to find a way out of the belly of the beast, I'm just tired, so fuckin tired of every single thing being too exhausting, so draining. I know I will pull out of this, I know I have to pull myself out of it, I know that I will but this is me; right now trying my best from the belly of the beast, the pit of despair suffocating from loneliness attempting to refill my stores of energy, patience, resilience, and optimism so the cycle can start over again...
It's been a year I know the cycles, I have tried letting my friends try to help and it took all my strength not to hit the 'reset' button on this lifetime so I know that I have to let myself feel this ride most of it out so I'm actually dealing with the good and bad of this seemingly never ending experience but I also know when to grit my teeth and RIP myself out of it, painful as it always is. But it's been a week, a week in which 3 clean loads of laundry occupy the empty 2/3 of my bed that he won't. A week that I have panted my way through daily grueling workouts trying to punish myself more than the loneliness more than my heartache does so maybe I can feel something else at the forefront of the pack. A week that my cat has not left my side because she knows somethings up, a week that the only time- literally the only time I can get out of bed is to punish myself at the gym then when I get home after my shower I get directly the fuck back in bed next to my clean laundry that I can't seem to muster the energy up to put away.
The funny fuckin thing... I'm not feeling sorry for myself, I don't begrudge this chapter even now while I try to find a way out of the belly of the beast, I'm just tired, so fuckin tired of every single thing being too exhausting, so draining. I know I will pull out of this, I know I have to pull myself out of it, I know that I will but this is me; right now trying my best from the belly of the beast, the pit of despair suffocating from loneliness attempting to refill my stores of energy, patience, resilience, and optimism so the cycle can start over again...
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