Monday, February 28, 2011

trying my best

It comes in waves; the manic productivity, the Pollyanna- nothing can break my smile and now the crushing loneliness.   I have an amazing set of friends that want to joke me out of this part of the cycle and if we catch it in the beginning it works, but not now not when I'm soo far into it that for the past week it has taken EVERYTHING in me to get up and feed my cat, get myself clean before and after the gym and concentrate on my workout  (the one productive thing that this suffocating fear, despair will let up enough for me to attempt).  They want to help but how do you tell them that being around a bunch of people that want to make it better so much it forces you to fake it just makes it worse?  No one understands this, I don't expect you to but the only thing right now that won't make me feel MORE alone is not surrounding myself with well meaning friends who have their counterparts within arms reach; it is that one man who can hold me and say I don't know if things are gonna be okay, I don't know if you'll gt back to 100% again but I will love you now and to the end no matter if this is as good as you get.  Short of that I pull myself out the only way I know how... sheer determination.

It's been a year I know the cycles, I have tried letting my friends try to help and it took all my strength not to hit the 'reset' button on this lifetime so I know that I have to let myself feel this ride most of it out so I'm actually dealing with the good and bad of this seemingly never ending experience but I also know when to grit my teeth and RIP myself out of it, painful as it always is.   But it's been a week, a week in which 3 clean loads of laundry occupy the empty 2/3 of my bed that he won't.  A week that I have panted my way through daily grueling workouts trying to punish myself more than the loneliness more than my heartache does so maybe I can feel something else at the forefront of the pack.  A week that my cat has not left my side because she knows somethings up, a week that the only time- literally the only time I can get out of bed is to punish myself at the gym then when I get home after my shower I get directly the fuck back in bed next to my clean laundry that I can't seem to muster the energy up to put away.

The funny fuckin thing... I'm not feeling sorry for myself, I don't begrudge this chapter even now while I try to find a way out of the belly of the beast, I'm just tired, so fuckin tired of every single thing being too exhausting, so draining. I know I will pull out of this, I know I have to pull myself out of it, I know that I will but this is me; right now trying my best from the belly of the beast, the pit of despair suffocating from loneliness attempting to refill my stores of energy, patience, resilience, and optimism so the cycle can start over again...

Sunday, February 27, 2011

new focus

I've been working my left leg like a psychotic drill Sgt attempting to be able to permanently park the wheelchair, ditch the brace, burn the expensively hideous handi-cap moon shoes (stabilizing shoes four sizes too large to accommodate said brace complete with Velcro straps) and give my aunty my cane.  I have realized that in focusing so completely on my leg I have let my left hand fend for itself so it still very much so resembles the claw machine.  I am not even comfortable petting my cat with the impaired hand cause I can't feel her or feel how hard I'm actually petting her... not a good combination.


I want to be able to pick up my niece again, carry things reliably with both my hands and most importantly give a PROPER hand job again, not the lazy might as well be giving head, one handed half assed hand job; the kind that men actually appreciate.  Not that there's an immediate demand for that particular skill but I liked having that under my belt, in my arsenal... I take pride in my work, lol.

Saturday, February 26, 2011

how do i?

How do i know i will continue to get better? How do i know that i won't alienate the support system i have left? how do i continue to be this woman,this shell of my former self? How do i merge who i was, who i am and who i want to be? How do i get my emotions under control? How do i keep my head held high when i look, move and sound LIKE THIS? How do i continue to build self-confidence when there's sooo fuckin little to be confident about? How do i continue to give you me heart when i'm so unsure of where i fit in yours? How do i trust that you love me this much when you are so far out of my league? How do i know you miss me when you are never here? How do i keep away when you have my whole heart in your strong hands? How do i give you what you want or need when this is all that i am? How do i even begin to reach for your heart when i know you can do so much better than me? How do i continue to work through or try to ignore the suffocating loneliness? How do i continue? How do i continue this terrifying, exhausting journey alone? How do i continue? How do i continue to pick myself up during every down spiral and claw my way back to positivity? How do i continue?  How do i continue and pretend that i know it will get better? How do i continue? How do i continue to trust in His plan? How do i continue? How do i continue to believe that this time i really haven't been given more than i can handle, that He hasn't overestimated me? How do i continue? How????

Friday, February 25, 2011

boundaries

Since the stroke I have HAD to curb my 'captain save a ho' tendencies and focus all of that positivity and resourcefulness on myself ; something I almost never did before.  It's now drilled home that no one else can get better for me, and no one else knows exactly what I'm going through so myself and my rehabilitation HAVE TO come first.

With that also comes another first... boundaries, I have to make them clear or I am the only one suffering. They are everywhere and I can no longer afford to ignore them, not to mention I no longer have the inclination or patience to curb them.  I mean from my space bubble to my feelings and over to my needs.  It boils down to safety for me... everything is on an extremely delicate balance.  Things I need really need are the only things I ask from others and that need stems from either a emotional, mental, or physical safety issue so when I get ignored, forgotten or judged upon those needs I no longer retreat back into myself unwilling to inconvenience anyon,e I have to now tactfully assert myself (no easy feat since I no longer have a damn filter either).  This was all very uncomfortable for a long time and still is (in my more sensitive moments) but if I have to then I REALLY have to now and I must say that I'm becoming very proud of that.  I'll no longer be a doormat to feel loved and appreciated, I still am.  And now that I really have to ask for help (as hard as it is) I am no longer too proud to do so. 

I'll admit that I still wait as long as possible to ask for said assistance more often than not compounding the problem(s) attempting to figure out a way to get it done solo but I can now admit when help is vital and proactively seek it... damn 'growing pains'.

Thursday, February 24, 2011

blessed the broken road,,,

I'm listening to Rascal Flatts "Bless the Broken Road" on repeat- thank you youtube and it's occurred to me that this is what I'm praying for.  People that hear my story, see my progress or that know snippets see me as resilient, strong or even amazing but on paper I am brain damaged, physically and mentally handicapped and now fall into an economic bracket that depend on free medi-cal, food stamps and cash-aid so I am by all accounts a drain on society one of those I used to judge and abhor... But now it seems that things with him and I are on a better track more honest and truly tested having (so far) come through the other side;  but is it too much for me to hope that my broken road has been blessed and finally brought me to the one man that I couldn't run from no matter how terrified loving him made me?

Am I THAT lucky not only to survive an event that 98% of people would not have; but also have him? Can he see me as even stronger and more resilient than we thought before or will I be a drain on him like I have become on society and my current housemates?

Tuesday, February 22, 2011

life has no pause button...

It's another hard day, one that started out hopeful enough I woke up struggled to make the decision I have to every day; to be happy, to be grateful and fight.  I went through my exercises, played my brain games then get hit with IRS owing from 2003, an expired extension and battles with medi-cal.  I go through the motions, communicating my current situation and my difficulties and form plans of action- all of which involve me depending on others for transportation, form help for my damaged brain and being treated like a lower life form.

I already feel worthless, going through each day fighting to get better and stay positive enough not to end this journey so I  can tell my story and hopefully one day have someone stumble upon this blog and by reading my heart and thoughts feel less alone. I arrogantly assumed that getting better was to be the hardest part for me , but I forgot that life has no fucking pause button.  The universe does not wait for you to catch up, things still pile on and the past is still waiting for resolution. I am completely overwhelmed and overburdening my innocent loved ones... but for how much longer? My stamina is rapidly fraying, I feel hollowed out, completely depleted and yet still expected to, still attempting to pull my weight, somehow reciprocate what  I can to those who continue to stand by me and try not to expect anything in return.

But I am the only one on my journey, I am the only on that can make me better, I hold the key to my happiness I have the tools I just have to find then again but when does enough get to be enough?  How much punishment does on endure before things start to look up?  How many obstacles must I scale before the tide starts to turn and I can clear away some of the worries to do what I need to in order to fully recover? Will I ever fully recover? If I am destined to remain lonely in the midst of dozens of distracted, half-assed, well meaning, patience expiring loved ones I might as well quit while I still have that.  Too bad I've never been a fucking quitter and I don't fucking have it in me to disappoint the ones who have rallied for me, I'm stubborn enough to suffer this and try to prove the nay-sayers wrong.  I just don't know if what I have left will ultimately be enough.

I've had 26 years of life prior to this, filled with sexual abuse, mental abuse, abandonment, struggling to remain independent, working for everything I have done and acquired, becoming the best in challenging jobs, rising up in the face of adversity, heartbreak and enough mistakes for three people... They say the what doesn't kill you makes you stronger, I don't feel stronger right now I feel tired, old, vulnerable, damaged and fragile.

Sunday, February 20, 2011

5/30 4:14pm...

Just got home from the bay fed Joy, cleaned her litter box, stripped down and grabbed my computer so I could get this down while it's fresh...

One thing my most recent speech therapist/ friend Marty said to me really hit home yesterday.   I was talking, emotionally purging, and having much needed time with Shmo when I found myself outlining my cognitive difficulties for her.  To me they seem obvious; when you suffer a trauma the world including yourself looks different to you, TO YOU... the rest of the world will not see the scenery the way you do, but they may not even notice certain differences in you.  Marty told me that my greatest strength will be my Achilles heel; my ability to compensate- or more succinctly- my need to camouflage my deficiencies will not only allow for better communication and an accelerated recovery but also distract from areas that still need attention... counter productive character trait at best.  But it suddenly dawned on me that Shmo has known, really known me for majority of my life and this applies even to her (dramatically less than with most people but still applicable) and it amazed me.

Thursday, February 17, 2011

shit or get off the pot... 6/2/2011

I went all in and he folded... figures.  I can't even call him a dick or find fault; I had to go for it and he just doesn't feel the same way.  I'm not the one for him, not enough to risk a relationship, hurt feelings or bruised pride.  Serves me right I guess for hoping that my best friend would miraculously be the love of my life.  I wonder how long it'll take me to get my heart back? How much longer will I be in love with a man who no doubt loves me but is not IN love with me?  And why fight me leaving all those times if ultimately you weren't gonna choose me? I don't want to believe it was a game, the thrill of the chase but if it was you won, you got me and at my most vulnerable I stupidly gave you the power to throw me away.  When it fully hits and I'm in the darkest hour of my mourning this lost dream I'll no doubt wonder if it's because I'm impaired now but in my heart of hearts I know it's not; without the walls I had spent 26 years subconsciously building I simply could no longer hold back my feelings, my love and my wants/needs.  So for the first time instead of just enjoying him, taking the easy chicken shit- no acknowledgment of my actual feelings way out- I stepped up tortured us both and put it all out there.  At least I know now that I can, get rejected, and still know that I have to go on, get better, that life goes on and I've faced worse.

Wednesday, February 16, 2011

6/2/2011

On Monday I went in for a psych eval ordered by social security and long term disability to help them determine my eligibility.  The psychiatrist asked me curt yes or no questions that I feel were somewhat unfair then ran me through a gamut of  cognitive tests remarkably similar to the ones from the hospital and rehab, I expected to breeze through them when we started assuming it had been over a year and I should have made tons of gains... not even. It was humbling and terrifying and I left feeling embarrassed, dejected, and emotionally/mentally bruised. FUCK!!!!!!! I'm trying not to spiral but I feel I'm losing the war fast.

life has no pause button...

It's another hard day, one that started out hopeful enough I woke up struggled to make the decision I have to every day; to be happy, to be grateful and fight.  I went through my exercises, played my brain games then get hit with IRS owing from 2003, an expired extension and battles with medi-cal.  I go through the motions, communicating my current situation and my difficulties and form plans of action- all of which involve me depending on others for transportation, form help for my damaged brain and being treated like a lower life form.

I already feel worthless, going through each day fighting to get better and stay positive enough not to end this journey so I  can tell my story and hopefully one day have someone stumble upon this blog and by reading my heart and thoughts feel less alone. I arrogantly assumed that getting better was to be the hardest part for me , but I forgot that life has no fucking pause button.  The universe does not wait for you to catch up, things still pile on and the past is still waiting for resolution. I am completely overwhelmed and overburdening my innocent loved ones... but for how much longer? My stamina is rapidly fraying, I feel hollowed out, completely depleted and yet still expected to, still attempting to pull my weight, somehow reciprocate what  I can to those who continue to stand by me and try not to expect anything in return.

But I am the only one on my journey, I am the only on that can make me better, I hold the key to my happiness I have the tools I just have to find then again but when does enough get to be enough?  How much punishment does on endure before things start to look up?  How many obstacles must I scale before the tide starts to turn and I can clear away some of the worries to do what I need to in order to fully recover? Will I ever fully recover? If I am destined to remain lonely in the midst of dozens of distracted, half-assed, well meaning, patience expiring loved ones I might as well quit while I still have that.  Too bad I've never been a fucking quitter and I don't fucking have it in me to disappoint the ones who have rallied for me, I'm stubborn enough to suffer this and try to prove the nay-sayers wrong.  I just don't know if what I have left will ultimately be enough.

I've had 26 years of life prior to this, filled with " what doesn't kill you makes you stronger", well, I don't feel stronger right now I feel tired, old, vulnerable, damaged and fragile.

Monday, February 14, 2011

thankful...

 thank you for finally giving me the answers I needed to hear and lettin' me go. I promise to try not to begrudge you the pain for too long.  Thank you to the rest for the support and objective compassion offered.  I am honestly blessed.

Sunday, February 13, 2011

ugh

Okay so I am still having a hard time coping with the way my cognitive tests from my psych eval went, I KNOW I'm not stupid but how do I find my tools again?  How do I explain my difficulties when I have no check list of what to look for?  A good friend of mine was over the other day and started a conversation with my housemate about me and how they both feel that I short change myself and could go back to work and be successful.  That immediately put my back up because they were (with the best intentions) trying to disprove or minimize my cognitive short comings and made me feel as though I was trying to make excuses to remain stagnant.  I have always worked I've paid my own way since I was 15 and got soo overly defensive because they wouldn't drop it.  My goal is to make something of myself.  I want to return to work and school once I have the tools to be successful, sure I found my words again but I can not yet multiply or divide, let alone anything more complex.  I have yet to find my problem solving, abstract thinking or coping mechanisms... and those are just the deficiencies I am aware of.  I have debilitating anxiety and when I get overwhelmed my brain just stops, short circuits and I freeze until I have a meltdown then there's no recovering the day.  I can't even work fast food competently with that on my head.  But why do I have to explain that to everyone with a fucking opinion? What business is it of yours? How the fuck does it affect your day? It doesn't.  But it kills me every time I have to do it.  Does being a young stroke survivor mean that I now have to be bare and vulnerable for everyone who  means well? Life was damned difficult before the stroke but it does not, cannot wait; you just keep getting more to pile on, more to juggle and well, I am running out of hands.  I will not stop working until I am a better version of the person I was on February 20th, 2010... the night before my stroke.  But at times it seems like too lofty of a goal, am I really as worthless as I feel right now? I have to believe that I am not and that this will pass.

Saturday, February 12, 2011

cocooned in change....

For the first time ever when someone asks if "karma's a bitch" my first and therefore most honest inclination is to fire back "I don't know... is it?".  So now I find myself wondering which (persistence or genuine 'cut bait and run') path would be most beneficial to go with and, do I really have the strength to charge ahead in either direction.

I can now say that because all my walls and/or defense mechanisms have been tucked away that yes I do.  Stagnancy or good enough is no longer an option I am willing to consider.  Thank you Lord.  Thank you to the universe.  Thank you nature.  Thank you loved ones.  Thank you to my support system.

Friday, February 11, 2011

White picket fences...

Ever since I can remember I have never wanted the his and hers towels, 2.5 kids, or the white picket fence dream like so many of my peers.  I figured I'd have a boyfriend or significant other til the end of my days but to make a vow? Nah.  Why tether yourself to someone and not again ever know for sure whether they are still around because they want to be, or because he made a wow?  If you'd rather be gone, then go, I'm sure we'd both be better off and happier in the end.  Now I'm not so sure... I have gained a different perspective then that scarred 19 year old. 

I find myself wanting to find my mate; the one that's proud to claim me, proud to have me on his arm, and fall asleep with me, waking to my smile.  But I don't want just anyone, just some company, if that was the case I'd not have subconsciously run for so long.  I want MY mate, the partner meant for me to build a life with.  Mind you, I'm nowhere near being ready for just that but I now know that my wants, ultimate desires are either different or no longer hiding. 

Though I stand firm on the white picket fence, I think I mat have to get a black iron one just to be contrary.

Thursday, February 10, 2011

trying something new...

Just treated myself to a grueling, later than ever p.m. workout.  I am hoping that this will help me sleep while I have no sleep-aid rx refills.  I have tried LITERALLY everything else I can think of so I'm praying that this does the trick.  I have also been socially hibernating for the past few days and before the overnighter in Reno was a week or so before that as well; I'm still feeling mentally and emotionally beat up, but more bothersome is that I feel vulnerable- and if you know me you know just how unbearable that is for me.  So I am giving myself much needed time and space to come to grips and not only choose to be happy (I do that EVERY TIME I wake up) but to actually feel it, have it sink in, and believe my choice.  Bear with me, it always takes some adjustment time when you're trying something new.

Wednesday, February 9, 2011

realization

My goal used to be to get back to 100%, to the person I was before February 21st 2010... Now I'm realizing that's not possible. I'm not stopping til my last breath or until I am BETTER than I was mind, body and soul.

Tuesday, February 8, 2011

hind sight 20/20...

I guess the one thing I'd have liked to have kept in mind is that if I have to ask, the answers already no.  Straightforward and perfectly succinct; if he wanted what I was asking him about we would have already been there.  He's known that was an option... But ultimately it's still better to no longer have a loophole; no way to make an excuse.  For that I have to be grateful, I wonder how long it'll take to get over him.

Sunday, February 6, 2011

more 'firsts'...

I can do female push-ups (on my knees) again, shuffle a full deck of cards using both hands, the splits and a ponytail for my niece.  Today at the gym I overcame my anxiety of learning the new weight training machines with people watching and finally tackled them before my cardio.  Good to know I still have milestones and I haven't plateaued.  They almost mean more now because they are harder to earn, come few and far between.

Saturday, February 5, 2011

where is that girl?

Sometimes I wish I was still that girl who didn't need anyone, the one who made her own way and you were lucky if you knew what she had planned or where she was off to next.  I was that girl who didn't "believe anything she heard and only half of what she saw", cynical, stubbornly independent and terrified of actual emotional attachment.  I enjoyed you while in your immediate vicinity but could and often did leave at a moments notice with no pangs of loss or backwards glances.  I'm older now, but more importantly this stroke has MADE me, forced me to slow down.  I now need support, assistance; with all my emotional boundaries and defense mechanisms erased I'm too trusting, emotionally starved and have no walls in place.  I am the anti-pre stroke Chisa... where is that girl?  I still don't want a man to hang my hopes, contentment, and half my existence on; I want my man.  Funny that even though he was never mine that's how I have grown to think of him, as my man.

Thursday, February 3, 2011

new reality..

I always thought that I was meant for greatness that I would make a difference in the world once I reached my full potential and stopped fucking around... now it seems as though my remarkable feat is to get through each damn day.  To not let this new reality break me.  To not let being completely alone for the first time beat me.  To not let the weight of terror crush me.  My progress has slowed but I'm not going to give up.  I am lonely and terrified but I am going to use that as catalyst to keep improving.  All the negatives that threaten to tar me apart in my weakest moments are being harnessed and used as motivation to beat this.  Fuck all of you that think I need a kick in the ass, screw all of you who assume I've gotten lax, bite me if you truly believe that I have lost my fire, my fight.  Guess what... I do all I can every day.  If that means getting up to take care of my cat then pulling the covers back over my head so I'm not soo tempted to slit my wrists or take all my sleep meds then that's all I have in me.  If it's cleaning the living room, or doing some laundry, or taking a walk around my block then that's all I have in me.  If you rely on what you know of me you'd trust that I'm a fighter and have not ever been lazy or dependent on others to do for me, the thought of that has always turned my stomach... so guess what??? When the stakes are higher than ever I don't have it in me to skirt the challenge I simply realize that all the other shit before was like battle training for this.  And once I get past this I will use the strength gained here for my next challenge.  You cannot take that away from me.  You do not see what I go through moment to moment, don't know how challenging and taxing EVERYTHING still is on my brain and body, you won't know cause it's not in me to incessantly whine or show just how vulnerable and damaged I am (maybe it's too much pride) but whatever the case just please learn to trust the me you knew before.  Stop saying that you think I need a 'kick in the ass', I don't.  I'm the only one challenged and embarrassed and overstimulated by EVERYTHING all the damn time.  I live this, not you. Take your assumptions and choke on them.  Each time you tell me you think I need more motivation or for people to be more strict on me it makes my blood boil.  What more motivation can someone else give me?  How much harder can someone else kick me in the ass??  I'm the one who has difficulty with EVERYTHING, I'm the one living this with no escape hatch or pause button, so you tell me since you think you know it all what can anyone else not going through this do to motivate me more??? Bottom line, my motivation lies in me, in my life things won't get better, my quality of life will not improve until I do.  No one knows this more than me.  So just remember that no one is more motivated to push past this completely than I am, no one is more alarmed by my stagnating progress than I am, and NO ONE will ever push me harder than I do myself because where I am now, the current state of things is not more bothersome or worrisome to anyone than it is to me.

Wednesday, February 2, 2011

grateful...

I've been trying to be grateful that on the heels of the ending of one dream with the man I've been in love with; that there was another one interested.  I knew that nothing was going to come of it because my heart is still his but also because this 'new' guy has never been an option.  Known him for years and have not ever looked at him like that cause there's no attraction and cause on a base level he, well for lack of a more polite phrase, irritates the hell out of me most times.

We have become friends and I admit that it was kind of comforting to have a man want me when the one I tied my heart to didn't.  I attempted to gently rebuff him, not wanting to be a bitch but I guess he's one of those guys that if it's not a harsh no they think they can talk you into a yes.  But shit has hit the fan, and it automatically turns into I think I'm too good for him.  I hate that.  Just because we have no chemistry doesn't mean I'm stuck up.  Oh well serves me right for basking in his attention, no matter how honest I've been from the start.

It doesn't matter how lonely I am, I am not willing to be with just anyone.  I'm not going to project my feelings from the one who rejected me to the next guy who looks my way.  I don't want a relationship with just anyone, I wanted one with the man who holds my heart.  Anyone that catches my eye will start from square one with me.

dreams...

I'm an active advocate of hope.  I want love, true love, the kind that you can sink into.  I love my life right now; would not trade a day of this current journey, no shit.  Hard I can take, I'm not asking for easy... just not soo hard all the time.  Please let me claw my way back from this with my man there to hold me when I cry, and enjoy the morning with. I don't need to be rescued, don't want a ladder, just some company that's mine cause I'd be his.

Tuesday, February 1, 2011

circumstance

Circumstance forces me to slow, take it all down a notch or so... Such a blessing. Instead of flitting from one moment to the next attempting to pack as much in as possible, I'm gratefully forced to sit back, enjoy and create quality memories rather than a blurry obnoxious montage.  Although if I'm being completely honest I'm still lovably obnoxious more often than not. I'm just a slower moving handful heehee.
I used to bounce almost literally, through life as if it was one long drunken night bar hopping.  Never staying too long in any one place, moment, mood, high; never saying too much or getting too immersed or invested in anything.  But now I am made into as much of a wall flower that my personality will ever allow me to be.  I may have to sit in one place primarily, but I in no way know how to fade into the background.  Of that I am forever proud, and grateful to have gained that much back.
Even more than that I am grateful for the change of pace, my quality of interaction, observation and connection to my surroundings and people in my life has increased exponentially.  I no longer have to be everywhere at once and everything to everyone in my immediate vicinity, just me is enough.  At the most basic level when we go out now I tend to stay where parked and cause a bonafide Chis disturbance ;) in my little splice of the universe.  It's a great thing.

I NEED to be the answer to this prayer for the man who's mine...