it's absolutely infuriating to have members of your 'support system' breathing down your neck and disapointed in you cause "you're not better yet?", they're tired and have their own shit and I am an adult that should not have to be their responsibility but when I push myself too far too fast and hurt myself why are the FIRST people telling me not to rush, to take shit a day at a time the ones fucking tired of my situation?!? I didn't fucking ask you to be here, actually tried to distance myself from EVERYONE for this exact reason but what because you wanted to feel like a hero, wanted your praises sung you signed up. YOU said you needed to be here that you weren't going anywhere no matter what, well I still give 110% ALL I HAVE to my recovery EVERYDAY so you tell me when the mysterious expiration date on your love, your patience, you high opinion of me was set for cause I'm confused. I don't know if it was guilt 'cause you know beyond a shadow of a doubt I would do the same, no MORE everything I could for you if the situation was reversed (ooh ohhh and I HAVE) whatever the reason I am grateful but please stop looking down on me. I may be brain damaged but I know patronizing, condescending, impatience and back stabbing still. I am NOT that mentally challenged. I am doing my best I see that it's not enough for you but at this point there is NO WHERE for me to go, I have to ride this out and work through it, you're the dumb ass that insisted you be a part of this journey so I'm sorry you didn't think it through but what would you like me to do about it???
I can't rush this, I can't force my body, my brain to heal on my or your time-line if that was possible it'd be done by now. I look at myself everyday and fight the vision of me as a failure a burden a blip on the radar of those who love me but I can't ignore the very reflection of that in your eyes when you look at me; ignore the tone in your voice when you 'talk' to me. I have been half a step away from 'resetting' this lifetime since the beginning and getting the feeling that I'm a burden or an unwelcome obligation does nothing to help squelch the urge. Apparently I'm too contrary to give in, to give up but I sure let you make me feel like that would be the gracious thing of me... to just bow out gracefully and not bother anyone anymore.